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“honey, you’re the reason i can’t sleep at night”

September 22, 2008

At one point at the not-quite beginning of this, i told Jamie that future and theory are near equivalent to me. I was being flippantly defensive – she likes to tease me about my commitment-phobia, and i think she (slightly) overstates the point. What i meant, i think, is that i have (some, few) ideas about my future, but they are not facts. I’m the kid who got a zero on a high school art project because the prompt was “how do you see yourself in 10 years,” and i…don’t. I simply don’t see myself in ten years. Blank.

So, when i say, as i did in the discussion that spawned this, “i don’t want to have kids,” i don’t mean that i’ll never have kids. And, “at this moment i don’t want kids,” is only one of the things i do mean. There’s also “i’ve never wanted to have kids in theory/the future.” But the real point is that based on those two things, i can’t see a me that would want kids. I also can’t see a me other than i am now, so i’m not counting her out.

This is the way of thinking that gets me dubbed afraid of commitment. It is, of course, the way of thinking that causes me to be so, but i think it is also slightly misinterpreted. I’ve struggled some (in a lighthearted, jesting way, mostly) in this relationship to vouch for myself given that my framework for the world is inherently vague and mushy, and hers is solid. I’d like to thank Miss. Avarice for giving words some time back to my very thoughts on having a serious – but not too serious! – relationship. The idea of “indefinite” (vs. “forever”) was especially helpful – and has become fodder for new and different teasing.

I apologize. I’ll be pleased if this makes a bit of sense to anyone, and i apologize if it fails. Me and sleep have not been able to reconcile our differing wold views quite as well as all this for the past week or so. I’m posting anyway, but i am decidedly drunk on the lack right now…except less eloquent.

Lady Brett
“You’re The Reason” – Hank III (note: untrue. she takes excellent care of me; tucks me in and makes me tea, and has so far put up with my emotions, which have been rendered a whole new level of unstable. thank you, honey, and i promise i’ll do my very best to be a good girlfriend again as soon as i can manage.)

3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 25, 2008 12:59 pm

    I took a course in crazy talk and got an A so it’s cool, I’m with you here.

    I think what happens is this: the older we get, the more settled in our thinking we become. Wrong or right, we simply get used to the us we are, then someone enters our life and boom, we see us through their eyes and realize that there might be something very wrong with our thinking – it becomes a mind fuck of sorts. Now we need to rethink all the stuff which we’ve already relaxed on not thinking about anymore b/c it was settled. whew, that’s just exhausting. Of course you’re tired. :)

    See now, in my head that made total sense but then again crazy talk is my specialty.

    It’s tough to see things clearly when there is so much going on, sometimes you just need to not over think it or worry too much about it.

    She sounds so lovely btw.

  2. September 25, 2008 4:48 pm

    It sounds like we have more in common than a mutual affection for bourbon!

    People often say that “having a lot in common” is the key to a great relationship, but I want to point out that–in my experience–difference is equally important.
    Difference, not sameness, is the source of growth and change after all.

    You and Jamie probably complement each other very well!

    xo
    Sf

  3. September 26, 2008 9:49 am

    haha, glad you’re down with the crazy talk, greg. you’re so right on about (the best) people making us rethink what we thought was settled. i’m not always this bad – this is my main venue for over-thinking and worrying =)

    sf – it reminds me of a college joke; we would pick the most inane commonalities – “omigod! i’m using a blue pen too! we have so much in common!” erm…anyhow, i think you are spot on as well.

    and, i might be biased, but i think she is lovely, and that we do compliment each other quite well =)

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