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“the tears that have fallen won’t buy you a thing”

September 12, 2008

I’ve been feeling out of sorts. Yesterday when i got off work i really wanted to crawl in bed (preferably with a certain someone). Instead i ended up running around for another 6 hours. I pretty well crumbled when Jamie and i finally headed back to my place. That’s not really the point of interest. But when i feel like that, there’s nothing like touch – i don’t even know that it’s accurate to say that it makes me feel better; it’s just all accentuated. Yet, sex kind of crashes me, reignites my panic, insecurity, freezes me up or something. I can feel that coming on – that place where i move from fuzzy-in-the-head or scared or whatever it is into nonfunctional – and it makes me crave…rough. I’ve never really gotten to try that, though. The last time i was in that position i had the sudden, overwhelming desire to be slapped. I couldn’t really ask, though (that is, i was in no position to explain, and i’m frankly unsure that i can. And how am i possibly supposed to ask the kindest girl in the world to be mean to me when it’s obvious that i feel like shit?), and it passed, and i totally fell apart. I wasn’t really sure it would have helped, but for some reason i thought so.

But last night there was her belt. Her gorgeous leather belt, which we have discussed but never much played with. And it was perfect, and, as much as the term discomfits me, i think it’s what i needed (and, everything bizarre and situational aside – so. fucking. amazing.) Is it “release”? I dunno. I don’t “get” it. And it doesn’t really bother me as an idea, or a situation, but (you know me) i’d like to understand and make sense of it. ‘Cause i like to overthink things, and this is my only venue for overthinking sex.

If you’re keeping score, i’m pretty sure a belt is still my favorite thing to be spanked with.

Lady Brett
“If Teardrops Were Pennies” – Carl Smith

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 12, 2008 1:53 pm

    I feel you. It took me quite a long time to convince my gf that sometimes I really like it rough. We’ve come quite a long way though – when we got home last Sunday night, I took off my belt, handed it to her and gave her the look. Three hours later and we were finally ready to get some sleep. Some days you just need to really feel it.

  2. September 12, 2008 7:40 pm

    It’s interesting because I think that kind of play is something that takes a lot of nerve and confidence to deliver — we’re told so often that hitting is wrong, that violence is not allowed.

    I think sometimes it’s not a lack of comprehension that we want it ‘rough’, as greg says, but a fear that they’ll do what we say we want and then we’ll be mad or hurt or upset with them. Something I’m still in the beginning stages of figuring out with my sexy gf…and she has an awesome wide belt that I have my eye on…

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