“we’ve been duped and regrouped so we could all fear each other”
I got nothing. I had expected, perhaps, to remember things, as in years past; maybe relive some of those strong feelings – community, love, fear, confusion, or the close-following disconnect, isolation, fear and confusion. But, not really. Maybe i’m just too tired, but my only reactions at all were kind of random, prompted by the bit of news coverage i saw at breakfast. First, there was the pang to the gut where there has been, in the past, a more vague sort of mourning, prompted by the talk of the rescue workers – my girl’s in one of those lines of work, and it does change things, doesn’t it? I couldn’t even hear the tv, and don’t really care to have. But when the President started his speech at the memorial, my brain produced, without consulting me, the thought, “inappropriate.” That was all.
But, really, i’ve tried so hard to be rational, reasonable, even forgiving to the exception of those. I really believe that politics is about politics and policy, and not the people involved. I’ve argued for people i despise because i think that ad hominems debase the real concerns of “our side.” (Notably in frequent discussions with my mother as a senior in high school where i tried to explain that there were a ton of good political reasons not to vote for George Bush, but that him giving her the willies was not one. i don’t think i ever got through, but at least she didn’t vote for him ;). And, really, i’m just not an angry sort.
But sometimes it gets to be too much. Sometimes it becomes so clear that everything is as important – much more so – as i think. Sometimes i can no longer convince myself otherwise. Sometimes it bubbles over. And now i’m beginning to recall, on a visceral level, the way i felt on November 5th of 2004, and i’m beginning to feel this fear gripping me inside that it’s going to happen again. Impending doom. It’s not the prominent feature, but i can feel it, it’s snuggling up into my ribcage, and it’s going to grow there. Maybe it’ll just make a happy little home there, not disruptive, just a permanent, fuzzy, hopeless little core. Or maybe it’ll go all Alien on me in a few months. Then again, perhaps my body will defend itself:
“Searchlight” – Bitch and Animal