“and in the spring i brought you roses”

Taped next to the outside door of my apartment building this morning: an envelope with my name on it. I almost missed it - i’m not at my best in the mornings. First thing, total confusion. Then: that’s medical tape, this has to be from Jamie (as if anyone else would have been by my apartment that early in the morning…as i said, a little slow in the morning). Inside it’s full of petals and says “good morning (heart)” with a little white rose! I’ve never gotten flowers before; how sweet is my girl?

Lady Brett
“Blankets” - The Gourds

 

“would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair”

It never came to that. Though this comic did get referenced by one of Athena’s friends.

I had an exceptional vacation. I met up with Sinclair while i was in the city. We had a lovely chat over mojitos, and she was kind enough to help me navigate the subway - which i’m sure i could have done on my own, but i am also sure it would have taken rather more time and me standing around looking foolish. She’s as interesting and charming as she seems on the internet ;)

I can’t believe it’s been so long since i’ve seen Athena. F’real. It was great. The trip included, roughly chronologically:
Thai food; swing dancing all night and some of the morning (in my skirt and tie); french toast sandwiches with cream cheese, jam, nutella; dinner party with Athena’s very cool friends; Mao; melted chocolate on fruit, followed by suggestive melted chocolate on fruit, followed by melted chocolate on people…; a group reading of Richard III; a visit by another college buddy of mine and Athena’s (fluke timing); DDR (my calves are sore); reading Sense and Sensibility aloud; amazingly awesome sushi; a lovely walk and tour of the town.

All mixed in with the above was, of course, laughing until our faces and abs hurt and talking about everything: racism, sexism, presidential elections; gender expression and attraction; why we are in love with Jane Austin; why we are in love with Shakespeare, Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh, particularly in conjunction (this conversation naturally included quoting of vast swathes of Much Ado); personal opinions of alcohol and various drugs, and use versus abuse; our respective friends and relationships; prying into how i work, and why it made her nervous to do so; etc. etc. etc. It was an amazingly fantastic visit.

Now to see if i can get ahold of Jamie for dinner or at least to say hi before she has to go to work.

Lady Brett
“Fairytale” - Sara Bareilles

 

“so i’m flying down to houston”

Actually, i’m flying up to New York. As of (ass-early) tomorrow! I haven’t even started packing. I didn’t get to making a list of shit i really need to not forget until my lunch break today. Not my style. But then, i’ve been a little distracted recently.

I have a thousand different thoughts i want to write down about that, among other things. But i’m not gonna, so just keep yourselves occupied with some fun queer theory discussion over at Sugarbutch: On misperceiving someone as femme or butch, and Part II, On misperceiving someone as femme or butch (again).

I’m out of town ’till Wednesday night - if i don’t post it’s ’cause i’m having way too much fun, not ’cause i’m dead or don’t love y’all!

Lady Brett
“Bloody Mary Morning” - Willie Nelson

 

“I’d like to do a little bit more than talk”

So, this “communication” thing? It might just be all it’s cracked up to be. I can’t be sure; it’s all pretty new to me, but so far i rather like the change.

Lady Brett
“Gay Cowboy” - Jude <- you can hear the song there. I highly recommend it, not just because it’s about gay cowboys, but because it’s a really pretty song. About gay cowboys.

 

“either plain or grand; is it always or? is it never and?”

I’ve been wanting to write my thoughts on bodies and body image and types and attraction in some real, coherent manner for a while. Triggered by some of the things mentioned below, and Essin’ Em’s post on “chasers,” and just too much introspection. But i haven’t done it, so instead i’m just going to write it up in a messy, immediate, random manner just to get it down. I really hope it’s kind of clear, though.

I suppose what drives me crazy the most is this idea that there is one such thing as beauty. I, for one thing, think this is utter and complete bullshit, and that it is a profoundly detrimental view of the world.

On the other hand, i kind of think that it is closer to true for some people than for others. Of course, saying that beauty is different to different people is already throwing that premise out the window. But what i mean is that i think that what some people find attractive falls into a narrow range, whereas others’ are wider. And that i don’t fault; attraction’s funny like that, often can’t be helped (though it is often affected by society, etc.)

I have noticed recently that i pretty much have no “type” i’m attracted to at all. (I have a piece on that subject that i am having a hell of a time polishing up, but which i like and will post at some point, so i won’t go into it too much here.) But i did realize a long time ago that i have almost no interest in either women or men who are “conventionally” hot. And more recently that i am not really a very visual person, when it comes to what turns me on (perhaps related?). I mean, yes, i certainly like to look at people i think are sexy, but it’s not at the top of my list. I’d much rather touch, and i think the visual is, for me, a jumping off point - because thinking about someone is totally sexier than looking at them.

A total aside: because i started thinking about all this stuff again recently when we went to the strip club a few weeks back, here’s the rest of the details i wanted to share about that night. I think i failed to mention that two of us were in drag ’cause we went straight after the show. Moreover, i think we were passing, thanks to the way they light those sort of places - which is really funny. I was sitting between Jamie and Madam, who i have (…had?) a very flirtatious and occasionally sexual friendship with, and who didn’t know that i’d hooked up with Jamie the night before. I was flirting with Jamie, and talking to both of them, and of course we were all at least half watching the show, and occasionally Madam would pull me over by my tie and give me a little kiss or something. It was rather sexy, fun, flattering, and completely awkward.

But back to the point - i was thinking of that night because of everyone in the place, Madam and Jamie were the only ones i found hot. The fact that i know them has something to do with it. ‘Cause, though i’m not attracted to most of them, i think all of my friends are beautiful, and i think that happens because they’re my friends. It makes me think of the article Dylan posted: “Sometimes while I ride the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them.” I’ve been doing this on the bus, and it’s amazing and lovely (and fun) - and often the features i notice as not attractive are the same ones i think i would find intriguing and totally sexy if i were attracted to the person.

Then there’s size, which can’t really be avoided in discussing standards of beauty. But fuck that. I don’t have the energy to rehash all that “our culture is fucked up about this” stuff right now.

So i’m going to go personal, which is new and kind of uncomfortable. By general coincidence the last two girls i’ve had any sort of thing with (Jamie and Madam) are big. Also, both damn sexy (in near opposite ways, interestingly). Not because of or despite their size, just as well as.

Really, i hadn’t given this much thought ’till sometime last week. We were lying in bed, i was just kind of looking at her, she got all shy. Which i certainly understand, it always makes me self-conscious as hell (indeed, she’s taken to making fun of me about being so shy, which, you know, really helps). She said something about not being attractive because she’s fat, and it made me so incredibly sad, i just wanted to say “no! no no no,” and fix it (i don’t remember exactly what i did say, something related but perhaps more coherent). But. Some of it i think is not sexy. And i feel kind of terrible thinking that. Moreover, i feel terrible about agreeing with her because what she thinks about herself is more important that what i think, and i want to help her change her mind - be her affirmation, of sorts.

I realize the whole idea of having someone else buoy your ego is unpopular and has it’s definite problems; that you shouldn’t need some girl’s approval. But i’ve found personally that a) sometimes you just do, and b) sometimes if you’re given it, it sticks (what i really mean is that i have Jake to thank for the fact that i am comfortable in and confident about my body).

But none of that is the point. The point is that it doesn’t matter - it doesn’t matter at all if i think this or that thing isn’t sexy. I think she is sexy. And it’s her a whole i’m interested in.

Though sometimes i do dwell on the parts i find particularly hot.

Lady Brett
“Moments In the Woods” - Into the Woods
*the picture is a new Threadless shirt that i think i’ll have to get sometime…i like it more each time i look at it.

 

“hopin’ for Raleigh, i can see my baby tonight”

So, i do have a girlfriend. I fall into all the sweet little girlfriend things so easily, too.

Saturday night i said something to her, called her my girlfriend. She laughed, surprised, and said something about it. I had a little moment of panic, “is that okay?”
“I love it! I just didn’t think you’d say.” Oh, right, that panic was all me, not her.
“Wellll, figure i might as well call it what it is; kinda silly not to.” And, really, i might not have, but it was at our show, and i’m a little more cocky and straightforward when i’m in drag. Speaking of which, playing boyfriend for a night; that was fun!

I only just realized - she didn’t call me her girlfriend until after that little conversation. She’s very attuned.

More later. I’ve lots of things i’m pondering, and little things that make me happy that i want to share. But i have to do my work first.

Lady Brett
“Wagon Wheel” - Old Crow Medicine Show

 

last day to vote!

Politics? No!
Today is the last day to vote for the Sugarbutch Star contest! Voting closes at 5pm EST.
What are you waiting for? Go vote for that sexy story about the threesome and blindfold! Because it’s hot…and, you know, mine.

 

“burns too hot, plays too rough”

If i had written this earlier like i meant to, it would have stopped with the question part of this. She has wonderful toppy tendencies, but so mild - like on the patio when she would grab my wrists from, say, arms around her neck and push them down to the railing to my sides and let me go. And i wondered if she was afraid of scaring me off by pushing too far. Or had she not really tried that sort of thing before, and so was unsure/afraid of her own impulse, or of where to go from there?

Well, yes. At least a bit. Later last night, lazing and talking, she said she had always thought i was…i don’t remember exactly, “soft-spoken” was in there, but basically, sweet and shy and quiet. All of which i am, sometimes, but apparently i rather surprised her. So, yes, i think she was worried about freaking me out.

(aside: i am so totally fascinated with things like this - the image we project of ourselves vs. who we really (think we) are. First impressions especially. But i thought her comment was particularly interesting ’cause we’ve been friends for 6 monthsish now, so this was rather more substantial of an impression.)

Also, her ex was so totally not okay with anything at all along those lines (you know, anything fun ;). I gather that made her a bit more cautious, but also that she was pretty sure she wanted to do something rough/kinky/fun/whatever, but hasn’t really had the chance to try it out.

This understanding came about because of her belt (see sex survey below) and some joke comment about it being multi-purpose. Which led to a later discussion of what else, perhaps, you can do with a nice cloth belt: say, tie up someones hands. And she said “i’ve got something at home that’s actually meant for that.” “Me too,” I laughed just a little. “I’ve never gotten to use them, though.” “That’s a damn shame,” and i certainly meant it (as well as something like, “Oh, me! I’ll do it. Let’s go!”).

She’s also got a rather remarkable ability to read me. Well, that or i’m just completely transparent. Anyhow, back at the lazing and talking, the belt was sort of buried under, tangled up in, us a little, and when she pulled it loose it did that whip thing against my arm. I didn’t much feel it, but it made a fantastic noise. She caught that brief sparkle in my eye; called me on it too. And she caught me eyeing her boots when she was getting ready for work - i hadn’t even noticed i was doing it, but she was right. It’s almost silly, but she really does look sexy in her work uniform (nice leather belt too…”and it’s broken in” she said).

“Since neither of us would know [per a previous discussion], is this casual dating?”

I said i don’t know, and, though it’s been on my mind, couldn’t think of anything else to say. She laughed at me, said, “Don’t look so serious. No rings. I think you’re sweating.” Not literally, but she had a point. And i really didn’t think it would have been so clear - i was mostly just trying to think of something to say. But, see…I just figured it out, i think. Bear with me here; i’m making shit up as i go.

So, i haven’t wanted a relationship. But now that this one (the details are fuzzy, but it’s clearly some kind of relationship) has kind of happened to me, i find myself leaning into the relationshippy things. I want to hold hands and lean my head on her shoulder and smile at her across the room, and twice as much when i know i can’t. But i don’t feel very emotionally attached. Which is why i’m afraid i’m being (gonna be) a bitch. I mean, it’s not that i don’t like her, i really do, but, well, we’ve been friends for a while, and it - emotionally - doesn’t feel any different than that now. Which i realize could be a good thing…maybe. But it’s way outside my comfort zone. My relationship with Jake was damn near a love at first sight thing (except, you know, i don’t beleive in that sort of thing). Lightning-bolt stuff. And all of my previous relationships, including Jake, have gone on a “oh hi, let’s talk for 12 hours, oh we’re dating” timeline. So i’m nervous because this is not what i’m used to. I’ve always been leery of dating friends because or the potential to screw up a perfectly good friendship when the relationship ends.

That said, i guess this seemed to happen rather suddenly as well - no dates, just making out in the club bathroom and her coming home with me. Thought i meant to say earlier, when i invited her over to my place that night it was actually rather earlier, simply ’cause she was totally too drunk to drive herself home, and on innocent friend terms (’cause i’ve shared a bed with plenty of friends, no biggie). But, really, it’s been a long time coming. And i’d been trying to avoid it. Every time we were hanging out alone together i’d kind of seen it coming - that if i stuck around something was going to happen. And i always cleared out when i saw that, because i am afraid of being a bitch. I guess because i could tell - or thought - that she liked me (verified now, at least true as of the first time i’m thinking of here, a few months back), and i wasn’t sure what i felt.

Lady Brett
“If Her Lovin’ Don’t Kill Me” - John Anderson - i’m doing this at the show this weekend…been planning on it for a while now, ’cause it’s a cool-sexy-funny song…funny how the timing worked out, though =)

 

“I make a really good lover when there’s a clear path to the door”

So, i think i have a girlfriend. You may have already gathered that, smart folks that you are. I’m…well, i’m a million different things about it, and i can’t land long enough to think it through…but, i’m terrified. Don’t get me wrong, i have lots and lots of good thoughts and feelings about it, but that one is the one i really need to wrap my head around and deal with, and i don’t know how, or where to start.

This song does, perhaps, the best job of explaining where i’m at. I seldom feel that way about music - i mean, i very strongly identify with music, but it’s more often the feel of it, or a particular line, or part, or something less concrete. But on occasion there is a perfect song for your moment (Desperado has filled this  position for me many times before), and this one just appeared to me at the perfect time. I only wish you could hear it.

I make a really bad umbrella just like I said I would
I’m full of holes and I do not stay put
So don’t think I’m keeping you dry it just is not raining yet
When the clouds come to our sky we’ll both be soaking wet

I make a really bad clothesline so don’t pin your hopes on me
Do not try to tie me tree to tree
I make such a bad clothesline I would not pin nothing on me
‘Cause when you come back for it you might find it’s gone in the breeze

And I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know what else you expected me to say
Because I know you know I told you long ago that it would always be this way

I’m not a good lighthouse cause I don’t always shine
I make a safe shore so hard to find
I make a really bad anchor just like I told you so
Cause I tend to get dragged and then I tend to let go

And I make a really good lover when there’s a clear path to the door
Make a really good listener when I can’t talk no more
I make a really good friend when there’s an end in sight
I make a really good wrong to your right

You say I live like I’m on ice skates going down a frozen hill
I say baby it has always been like that maybe it always will
And when I said that to you I did not mean to cause you pain
But you can go ahead and blame me like you blame the weatherman for the rain

And I don’t know what else you expected me to say
Because I know you know I told you long ago that it would always be this way

I make a really bad umbrella just like I said I would
I’m full of holes and I do not stay put
So don’t think I’m keeping you dry it just is not raining yet
When the clouds come to our sky we’ll both be soaking wet

Lady Brett
“Weatherman” - Kris Delmhorst

 

“hike up your skirt a little more”

I went over to Jamie’s for dinner last night.

Around midnight - how it got to be midnight so fast i certainly don’t know - we decided we probably ought to let the dogs out, so we pulled our clothes back on and went out to the back yard with them. Of course, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Me, leaning against the patio railings, right in the corner. Her, pressing me in, pushing me back a little too far, making me gasp and grab onto her. And laugh because, of course, i wasn’t going to fall. The railing was up to right above my ass (right there, where those bruises are), high enough that i would pretty much have to be trying to tip over it, but i couldn’t help that reaction to being unbalanced, not even after so many times, when she was just teasing me.

Pressed together, kissing, touching. She slid her hand up my thigh, under my skirt, over my ass - and that mmm cause there was nothing under the skirt - fingers inside me, just like that. Oh god, i’ve been waiting for that moment since i made that skirt.

I stayed the night. We even slept some. I can still smell her on my fingers, despite this morning’s shower.

Lady Brett
“Crash Into Me” - Debbie Comer