For obvious reasons (or, if the previous post was oblique, which i gather it may have been – i’m engaged) i’ve been thinking about marriage. Though this is a post i’ve been wanting to write for some time now.
At some point before it was particularly personal, i had a discussion of marriage with Jamie in which she said something to the effect of it not being very relevant since it’s illegal here (unconstitutional, in fact). That is where i started really thinking on the subject, as it had never occurred to me that that would affect anyone’s decision to get married.
To me, a wedding has three parts: legal, religious and community. Now, generally, these are all smashed into one, which, i think, is where all the confusion comes in. If all three happen to mesh, that’s fine. And fine if they don’t (which seems to be the more complicated part).
First, if i could, i would legally marry her in a heartbeat. Thinking too hard about the things we may not be able to do for lack of legal marriage makes me sick. However, i am not a gay marriage activist. For one, there are so many things i think are more pressing. But frankly, i don’t think legal and marriage should have anything to do with one another anyhow.
I don’t mean that in a naive sort of way; there are obvious practical reasons that it is the government’s business whose money is tied together and who can have hospital visitations. I am (adamantly) not a libertarian – it is very practical for there to be legal information on these sorts of things; when all else fails that is how you mediate confusion about it.
Nonetheless, i don’t think marriage is the government’s business. I think that there ought to be a separate sort of legal relationship registry. In which i could enter my husband as my legal “next of kin.” Or my brother. Or roommate. Best friend, father, boyfriends, lovers, wife. Obviously, it is important to know who my house (and the debt associated with it) goes to if i die. I simply see no reason that should be related to marriage. I ought to be able to enter into that sort of legally binding contract with anyone who consents to be a part of it.
In fact, in many states – were we straight – we would already be considered married even if we didn’t want to be! It would do wonders for the idea of consent to count legal relationships (such as joint property ownership) as an entirely different beast from marriage. I say that having known multiple people who have had to get a divorce – for legal purposes – from someone they never married in the first place. With the cultural meanings attached to marriage and divorce, i think that adds an unnecessary burden to an already unpleasant situation, and one that is put there by the government, who ought not care at all.
I don’t have a lot to say about religion. For me, religion was always inextricably connected to community. I realize that for others there is far more to it than that, so i think it is important to acknowledge religion – and spirituality – as a separate and specific reason to get married and aspect of marriage. For me, it is not the – or even a – reason, so i don’t feel i am in a place to elaborate.
The community is the most important – and currently the entire – reason i am getting married. This is the “proclaiming your love in the presence of family and friends” part. And them supporting you in response. I can’t think of anything more important to me than family and friends, unless it is my love. While this holds such meaning to me, i think it is very simple.
I will add, though, that i think there is an aspect of accountability to marriage that a community announcement enforces. Being engaged, i feel that i have pretty well already promised to her that i am willing to work on this relationship, but telling everyone i hold dear – and everyone who holds her dear – the same thing holds a bit more meaning.
In fact, i think accountability is a significant portion of the religious, and perhaps all of the legal side of marriage.
Lady Brett
"Susie Q" - CCR
Lady Brett
(who is not sneaky, and was not trying to get her a thumb ring.) Jamie is not sneaky either, but she is more successful. Then, i feel rather successful myself at the moment. Giddy, in fact.
p.s. That is snow. I imagine some of you recognize it. Some of us, however, don’t see it often and may have needed a reminder. Joy!
"Real Love" - Lucinda Williams
Meme from Greg. Because i am a crap blogger now, that’s why. When i’m feeling good i get work done around the house; when i’m feeling bad, i’m generally busy feeling bad. Mostly i’ve been getting a lot done, but either way i’ve been not writing.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I think i would say something different each time. Or perhaps it would be more fun to stick with “i don’t know.”
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? That depends greatly on the details – i am a believer in cost-benefit analysis.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? I’m going with Greg: Money. But i would also like to point out that sometimes it is important to do something you don’t like – and that we do them because life isn’t really that damn short and sometimes it is really worth it to suck it up for now so you can get where you really want to be.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Seems unlikely, as doing is an all-the-time thing, and no matter how much i say, i can’t always talk.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I don’t like the power in this. But i think less anger.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Part-time work! Housewifery and furniture-making, perhaps a splash of what i currently do for a living.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I don’t think i’m settling for anything right now. I’m not sure that means i’m entirely doing what i believe in, though.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Well, in a looking back kind of way it would be vastly different, as i would have had elderly parents as a child, and they most likely would have died before i hit my teens.
In a looking forward kind of way, it doesn’t seem terribly relevant, minus, for the reasons above, taking any idea involving childrens off the table.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I feel that i have very much lived in a “which way the winds blow” sort of way. Except i know that sounds like carefree, hippie, train-hopping stuff. But including in “the winds” people’s expectations of me and such, i think it is, perhaps, much more structured than it would have been had i “actually controlled” it. On the other hand, i have a particular friend who chastises me for this mindset. She says i don’t take credit for anything i do.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Generally, i’m more concerned about doing things well than right. As for doing the right things, i think i only worry about that when i’m approaching panic or social anxiety.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I’ve got no time for distasteful criticism, justified or no. I tend to shut off and not participate when conversations take that turn – even if i agree with the critics. There is a breaking point somewhere where i either extract myself or say i’m fucking tired of it. I think when it is a case of my disagreeing with the criticisms, i am far more likely to grow a pair and say something, and sooner.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Maintain good credit. <–ha! indeed.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Surely. Assuming you mean “save” in a really important way.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? I tend to reserve the idea of insanity for moments of self-loathing, so no.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
Sleep with a t-shirt over my head? Only when my hair is wet.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
If the same things made everyone happy…well, i think that would be miserable.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? One thing? There are a million. So, time. But also the fact that none of them a pressing; really wanting to do something is different that wanting to do it now.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I’m sorry, this just gave me a really funny mental image of dragging around hanging off someone’s ankle.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
I’d really hate to move right now. In a temporary, and probably a bit off, kind of way there’s been talk of Boston. For school/work for Jamie, so a semester or year. Chances are i’d have to stay here, but if i could i’d go with her. I know good people in Boston. That didn’t answer that at all, did it?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No. And [it irks me off when other people do, because] no.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I dislike either-or. Too essentialist, like you can’t be joyful and genius. Or simple and worried, which seems exceeding common to me. I’d rather be joyful than most anything though. But, while i think i am far, far off from genius (which i keep misspelling), being thoughtful brings me joy.
22. Why are you, you?
I yam what i yam.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I’m a pretty darn good friend when i’m around. I have a bad habit of falling off the face of the earth. It doesn’t mean i love you any less. Just that i suck at a particular and important part of being a friend.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Oh, losing touch with someone nearby results in occasional awkward encounters, which i do not like (but which sometimes present an opportunity to get back in touch). I have, on exactly one occasion, kept in touch with a good friend far away, so it can be done, and it is good.
25. What are you most grateful for?
I would say, that Puppy is fine and dandy and alive, but grateful is a strange word and i don’t know who to be grateful to.
Perhaps that she loves me. I find it odd, but when she says “I love you,” i always think “oh, good!” So, that’s usually what i say. Sorry i’m weird, honey.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? It would be interesting (in a sort of miserable way) to move forward from a blank. I think it’s simply far too early to be cut off. But i think losing all your memories would lose you all the relationships you’ve formed, and that thought makes me sick.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? I don’t think it’s possible to know the truth – challenge or no.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? No. I’m not entirely sure what it is, but i’m sure that it hasn’t happened.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
I don’t appreciate this sort of leading question.
Sure, and yes. The ones i remember are the ones that had major effects on the direction things went. Making decisions upsets me, so i was upset when i decided not to go to grad school (almost exactly five years ago, actually), even though i haven’t doubted the decision a bit since then. Same could be said for a number of other events.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
I don’t think i have one. Which is probably good – i guess it says good things about my childhood that i can’t pinpoint “the good part.”
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
I fluctuate too much to pinpoint anything, though i think i always feel rather alive, if not always passionate.
32. If not now, then when?
When it’s time!
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
I’m sorry, i don’t deal well with vague; i’m confused. But i’m not one to pinpoint one “it” to achieve.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No. That sort of thing can be wonderful in any number of ways, but “conversation” is not one of them. The only person i could likely have a conversation with without speaking is Jamie (who has a bizarre knack for reading me), and “best” is not how i would describe those interactions.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Religions that support love don’t cause wars.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No! (more eloquently: what Greg said–>) Doubt is a good thing. I don’t think it’s possible to know anything without a bit of doubt.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No.
Probably not, but i’d see about going part-time. I certainly wouldn’t quit having a job, but i might try out something new and self-driven.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
Less. I stress easily. And i already enjoy a lot of the work i do. Caveat: if i had less work, i’d like to be able to spend less time on it – if i have to be working; i’d rather have something to do.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Huh? I guess that’s a no.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
This sentence doesn’t hold meaning to me – i suppose never.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? I don’t like this question. <–yeah.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Ugh. As long as my honey thinks i’m hot i’m good. And fame i can do without.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Biology vs. philosophy?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
I think that doing what you know is right weighs pretty heavily in the “rewards” side. So, never, clearly.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because there are a ton of easier and better ways to learn! (like from other people’s mistakes) Anyhow, it goes back to calculating; we’re not always afraid of mistakes, only the ones with more risk than reward.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
In the past, lots. Now, not too much, and probably mostly talk – share my candid opinions and thoughts about things. And talk about sexuality more.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? At pilates last night.
As seldon as possible (and, now, thanks for bringing it to my attention). When i notice my breathing i pattern and regulate it and it gets off and makes me feel short-of-breath and panicky. I think it’s an OCD patterns thing; i’ve done it as long as i can recall.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
My Pups! Always! Except sometimes when i’m a grump. But otherwise, i express oodles of love to Dog, to his dissatisfaction. And to Puppy, who loves back with the most disgustings and slobbers she can manage.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Maybe. Some of it has distinct physical reminders that i hope to still be living in the midst of then. As for remembering when i did what; unlikely.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I love letting others make decisions for me. Saying that makes me feel i need to defend it. But i don’t think i will, unless pressed.
Lady Brett
"Texas Flood" - Stevie Ray Vaughan
My dad went to Haiti a few times when i was younger. I was going to go with him in 9th grade, but the plans were cancelled due to (increased) violence and instability. He is not an especially personally expressive person, but i would venture to say that his trips there were among the major amazing events of his life. I think he had more to say about the people he met for one week there than most of the people we’ve known. We, of course, talked a lot of politics regarding Haiti as well. But first, along with all that, he came back raving about the pumpkin soup they had – a pumpkin and peanut soup, actually.
So, first, the food:
Pumpkin soup, two versions.
I don’t have a recipe for that soup (nor do i remember for certain if i’ve had it). So, i consulted the google, which told me that there is no Haitian pumpkin-peanut butter soup. There is Haitian pumpkin soup, though, and, separately, pumpkin-peanut butter soup. I know, i wouldn’t generally post links to recipes i’ve not tried, but this is one of the first things that comes to mind when i hear of Haiti.
Haitian Pumpkin Soup: Soup Joumou – this is a meaty pumpkin soup, which seems to be an uncommon variation. It is also the celebratory successful slave-revolt against the French soup.
Pumpkin-peanut soup – this is not so historied, but it sounds delicious.
Now, to more pressing matters:
Others have already done a better job than i could in explaining the why and how and best ways to help out with the disaster relief effort in Haiti. So, i’ll just say, please do follow that link.
Not to in any way detract from the importance of disaster relief, or the amazing work done by the people and organizations involved, or the fact that you should help out (click above!), but these sorts of major-disaster situations bring out my cynical side. I know it’s supposed to make me feel all solidarity-pride-and-hope because everyone cares. To me it simply serves to emphasize the fact that no one cared before, and likely no one will care again in 6 months.
Moreover, by not caring (or not speaking out) we are directly at fault – hurting as compared to only not helping. I can only speak to the “we” as Americans; i don’t know the broader politics well enough to spread the blame farther. The United States has done a great deal of harm – some purposeful and some incidental to thoughtless good intentions – in Haiti. And many of the same concepts hold in other third-world countries as well, but as the 2nd poorest nation in the world Haiti is a stark example (plus, i know a bit more of the details).
There is the fairly straightforward uncalled-for meddling in the affairs of a democratic government not our own. Meddling is not the proper word, because, given the US’ political and economic position in the world, meddling is almost automatic. However state-supported coups and installing undemocratic governments in the name of democracy and in the interest of only our own political and economic power…i don’t think i can express my disdain for the way our government has interacted with south and central america (and much of the rest of the world).
But let’s move on from well-documented conspiracy theories and state-sanctioned war and murder, shall we?
The United States’ good intentions with regard to international aid are pathetically backwards. We aid countries that are poverty-stricken, which is good. But extreme poverty in a country is generally directly linked to a very fragile economy (as well as similarly extreme corruption). The general form of US aid is “here, have some stuff that we know you need.” It has the advantage, to us, of being a very simple system. So obviously, it doesn’t work (something about simple answers to complicated problems). The problem is, what that amounts to is, “here is some stuff for free to compete with the stuff that your very fragile industry is trying to sell for a profit.” Where before your farmers may have been struggling, now they are nonexistent, which means that much less money and commerce flowing through the community. The more dire problem is that if your food aid pulls out, it leaves behind it a void in which there is less food produced in the country than there was before they showed up. Your country that was struggling with poverty and hunger is temporarily boosted by aid, but left with worse poverty and hunger after the fact.
Frankly, while i try to stay fairly informed, international affairs is not really my cup of tea. Community organizing and development are, and, barring very specific causes, i think charity does more harm than good.
Very specific causes like disaster, which requires immediate and straightforward response, and is not (in the immediate aftermath) at all about long-term planning. So, i don’t at all retract my statements about the importance of helping, in what way you can, the earthquake relief efforts in Haiti.
if this weren't tragic enough already, this is a kind of amazing visual: the border between Haiti (left) and the Dominica Republic (right).
-Lady Brett
Smitten Kitchen, that is.
I’ve only recently discovered food blogs. That is, over the holiday, while i was sitting on my tush, i laid of the Mario for a minute and picked up my computer, only to spend hours making myself voraciously hungry via the power of food bloggers.
So far, Smitten Kitchen has been my favorite. It’s heavy on the desserts, which kind of make me drooly, but i seldom actually bother with them. Generally it’s a factor of (time, of course, and) needing people to feed them to. Because, personally, the idea of warm butternut squash and chickpea salad makes me way more drooly than anything made of sugar can.
So, it’s a cop out, perhaps, but you’ll thank me:
Warm butternut squash and chickpea salad with tahini dressing at Smitten Kitchen
I wasn’t kidding. Oh, and if there is anything i want right now more than a new roof, it is probably to be able to take photographs of food that look like hers! Her writing is wonderfully cute, as well.
Of course, that isn’t exactly how i made it. I didn’t have any red onion around, and i was too lazy to pull up the recipe when i was ready to cook it, so i went by memory.
It was swell – spectacular. I’m eating the leftovers for lunch right now, and that note at the bottom is no lie.
As for what i did differently – or, the only part of note – having no red onion, i substituted yellow onion which must be cooked (in my world). So i fried up the yellow onion in some olive oil over low heat, figured i might as well add the garlic to that part too, and then figured it might help to add the chickpeas as well. That was a stroke of genius. That is, i have never been a huge fan of just chickpeas, but mostly because i find them too crunchy and a little grainy – so i generally eat them as paste. Just a few minutes of low-heat frying completely changed that. They were certainly still structurally sound and have a bit of a crunch, but don’t feel quite so grainy and cracker-like to me.
Lady Brett
Well, hello! New year and all. And it appears that by “holiday” i mean “ignoring my blog.” So, a few highlights of the recently:
I’ve been off work for the holiday; i don’t think i’ve ever enjoyed it more. The idea of going back on monday is sort of dreadful. The part where i’ve spent days in my pajamas is fun, but strictly “holidayish” (i did shower in the midst – only to put them right back on; it was nice). The part where i’ve gotten to cook up meals to freeze (mini lasagnas and pot-pies, so far) and spend hours planning out my dream kitchen – and more practical issues like how to add eaves to the house is more what i would love to do more of. I am going to try to cook more now, though. I have found that not cooking really is a drag on me, though i am a bit of a bum, and once i’ve been at work for the day, it is rather simple for me to want to do nothing in the evenings.
New years was, really, one of the best in a time. I think because it has an impressive ability to raise hopes, new years always seems to be a let down. This year me, Jamie, Jake and Jake’s lady (don’t tell her i called her that) played scrabble and had a few drinks – a bit of champagne, but not at midnight (oops) – tried to watch the ball drop, but we don’t have tv, and my computer froze. It was fairly clear, though, when all the gunshots went off.
Jamie’s brother is moving out soon. God, having our house back will make life so much easier. It’s funny, ’cause i didn’t really mind him – though he’s a mess that will be nice to not have to clean up after! – but the way that having a housemate disrupts things. It makes me a little crazy to not be close to her as much. The little things like not sleeping naked because (it’s freezing and) we have to keep the bedroom door open for the wonky old heat system to flow right. And i could write ballads, i’m sure, to the whole concept of spontaneous sex!
Christmas was really lovely. Due to some unusual schedules and plans, we ended up having both my and her family at our house for christmas dinner and presents and such. It was crowded and funny and fun. We made stockings for everyone from some of our fabric scraps – our fireplace looked a bit like the old woman in the shoe, perhaps. I hung christmas lights for the first time, and you could tell. It looked a bit like a toddler’s art project (from a very high ladder), but now i know. As it happens, you have to pull the lights taut if you don’t want them to look especially foolish. Also, our house is not symmetric, which i knew, but seemed to forget in the midst of the process, so the lights ended a couple feet shy on the right half.
Pre-christmas was as usual. Road trip, extended family whatnot. It’s all a bit weird, really, as i only see these folks at most once a year. I, of course, want to see my granny and grandjack, but granny is always so stressed out by all the holidayness that it’s about the worst time of year to actually visit with them. It’s getting a bit odd, too, as they are both getting decidedly old and decrepit, especially granny. I don’t much like to think about it.
Dad brought me a meyer lemon tree. Half gift, half orcharder experiment; he says they are supposed to grow “as far north as” my homeplace. It is living in the office for this winter, as it is still a baby tree that can’t freeze at all, and the office is more greenhouse than room at the moment anyway. On the bright side of the house story, the living room has lovely trim in it (about the windows and doors, i’m still working on the ceiling and floor bits), and i am really enjoying my router; there have been a few more major improvements via minor electrical work (really, you should see some of the light fixtures that our house came with); and it’s amazing what a minor paint job can do to a remarkably ugly bathroom.
Puppy can now wear the 2T vest that languished in the lost and found for too long without tripping her back paws over it or peeing on it. I don’t think i’ve gone into it here yet (i haven’t gone into anything here in for-freaking-ever, i know), but she’s a bit brain damaged, and it screws with her temperature regulation, i think, so having a big fluffy coat has done wonders for her winter.
I finally (finally!) got my lip repierced yesterday. When i “lost” my lip ring, i couldn’t get a new one before the hole closed up, as the tattoo place by my house was closed for ice. Well, damn. So, through some combination of forgetfulness, laziness and “oh, well, x is happening soon, i’d just as well not have it in for that” it took a whole damn year and a bit to get it redone. People always asked if it hurt, and, the first time, i honestly couldn’t remember if it hurt or not because i was too busy being terrified (i have a bit of a needle issue). Well, it hurt. It fucking hurt. Only for a second, but, like, i really don’t think i would do it again hurt. On the other hand, last time it was really sore and swollen for a long time after. I couldn’t drink without a straw, due to cup-ring-hole-ouch issues. The place i went this time won’t give you a right straight-off. So i have this silly-looking labret stud, which i am really thankful for. As it doesn’t go over your lip, even though it is a bit sore, it is easy to avoid. It is also much less sore than last time. I am pleased. Jamie is pleased. I am impatient for it to heal so i can switch it for the ring.
Oh, and we saw The Princess and the Frog. I really, really loved it.
Lady Brett
"A Very Nice Prince" - Into The Woods
Cabbage gets a bad rap – i’m not sure why. Possibly because it’s cheap as dirt, but in my mind that’s a good thing. More probably it falls into that category of vegetables that people hate just because they’ve only had cooked-to-death slop renditions of them. I’m guessing here; i can recall exactly one dish we had cabbage in as a child – cabbage and apples (red cabbage, fried up in butter and sugar; very simple, only i can’t ever seem to make it like Dad does).
Anyhow, i have more recently discovered that i love cabbage. My go-to cabbage side-dish is just frying it to tender-crisp with lots of garlic (salt and pepper). I think it’s brilliant.
Plus, it looks freaking cool.
Earlier this week i made a dish inspired by some recipe online, the grocery’s brussel sprouts (which the recipe called for) looking awful, and stuff laying around. It was:
1/2 head cabbage, sliced as thin as i could
1/2 onion, sliced the same
1 beet, julianned
1/2 package cappellini pasta
oil
sherry
veg. stock
salt and pepper
Cooked the pasta like pasta, drain. I fried the beet in a bit of oil separately from everything else in hope that the entire dish wouldn’t turn pink – it kind of worked. Sort of. But also it takes a bit more time to cook a beet. Fried up the onion a bit in olive oil, then added in the cabbage and a splash of sherry and splash of stock. Once the cabbage was a bit tender, add ed in the pasta and cooked it all about to get everything mixed and heated. I added the beets on top when it was time to serve.
The only problem was it was bland as hell. Jamie didn’t really eat any of it, and it was super-boring. So i took it to lunch the next day, and again yesterday. Because that’s what happens with all of the leftovers in the house, and especially the undesirable ones (my girlfriend doesn’t eat leftovers without external pressure). But it was actually pretty decent the first lunch, and really quite good yesterday. It needed some time to soak in the flavors.
Maybe more sherry and more cooking time would make this a one-off meal, but it certainly works as a make-ahead-and-reheat sort of thing. Not good cold, though.
Working with the other half of the cabbage now. White bean, fennel and cabbage soup. I had a recipe for it, but my favorite cookbook has taken a mysterious leave of absence, so i’m making shit up. Wish me luck!
Lady Brett
When i think about AIDS, one thing that always comes to mind is my mom’s friend who was living with and nursing her gay friend who was dying of AIDS. I was young when all that happened, and i certainly didn’t now that’s what was going on. I wasn’t near thinking about things like gay and lesbian (or, for that matter, straight, other than that a man and woman living together seemed like kind of what folks did, and sort of relationshipish). I don’t think i’ve ever talked about that situation with my mom either, so i’m not really sure what it was that made it so incredibly clear to me when i was a bit older that that was what was going on. So, that’s kind of my picture of AIDS history. That’s what i imagine when older friends mention the unbelievable numbers of friends they lost to AIDS when they were all my age.
Now AIDS is something rather different. And it’s something that i mostly understand through statistics instead of fuzzy memories. Well, it’s been a year or two since i’ve given the statistics a serious look, so they are a bit fuzzy too. But they are very strikingly different from the sort of “AIDS mythology” i’ve been taught (not that what i’ve been taught about AIDS is unimportant or untrue).
Here is what i think of regarding AIDS now – i can’t really vouch for the details of this – i’m working from memory (and from fairly local data; the national might be different). Here, the fastest growing groups of people with HIV/AIDS are African-Americans and women. “Risky” heterosexual behavior is getting very close to homosexual contact as the cause of infection. Technically, it is not homosexual behavior, it is “men who have sex with men” (or MSM) – as an issue of actions, not sexuality. That is an especially important distinction if you want to get accurate data. But, really, it’s nearly impossible to get accurate data because people who don’t get tested don’t get counted. And the one graph that jumps into my head is a bar graph of the number of HIV/AIDS cases in each county, plus a column for the prison population. Only, you can’t read the graph at all because the number of prison inmates who are positive is so high that the number in each county just looks like a pin-stripe at the bottom of the graph. I don’t have much else to say about it at the moment, but i feel like these are things people ought to be talking about.
Lady Brett
"Mercy Now" - Mary Gauthier
I like identity labels – and i know that can be controversial and an interesting subject in itself, but that is not today’s topic. I like labels, and i claim a number of them. Off the top of my head: southern, queer, femme, nerd, kinky (though i don’t always claim that in public), handyman, housewife(wannabe), conservative, progressive. Whatever. I could keep going, or cut it short, as i do on the rare occasions it actually comes up. Because even as someone who feels strongly about her labels, i don’t tend to take them overly seriously either.
But i have been thinking seriously about claiming whiteness as an identity. Perhaps i didn’t include that in my list because it never ocurred to me to do so, but i think, more accurately, i rejected it so quickly that i didn’t realize i had even thought about it.
On stopping to think about it recently, all of those automatic, subconscious negatives were the first to come to mind. Claiming an identity is a matter of pride, and in my world “white pride” puts a very ugly taste in my mouth. If that isn’t clear, take a look at the Southern Poverty Law Center’s list of “active hate groups” in the US (in fact, take a look at it no matter what). Not all, but vast majority race-related. In the two states i call home they tally around 90. And then there is the matter of the less sickening, more pervasive white-middle-class racism – the “they” comments and “i’m not racist, but…” There is a lot of pervasive in-between here, too; people whose racism is strictly verbal, but who make none of the above efforts to cover for it.
Knowledge of these things is so fully ingrained in me that i didn’t need to spell them out to know that i want to do pretty much anything i can to distance myself from all that. I already am southern and white, which puts me in kind of a defensive position without pushing the matter by claiming these things. (I went through similar thought processes, mostly subconsciously, on claiming southern, but it was easier to find counters in positive things about the south, experiences living elsewhere, and the simple fact that southern, while closely related to race issues, is not a race, or tied to any race.) Okay, the white guilt was the easy part. Moving on.
On the other hand, it is extremely privileged to not consider race when thinking about myself. The very fact of being white and not including that fact when i identify myself propagates the idea that white is the default or the norm; it is inherently othering of non-white.
Consider, also, that most of the people of color i know do identify themselves by race, ethnicity or culture. There is a significant difference between that and my identifying as white, though. One of the major purposes, or at least effects, of purposefully identifying as a POC is to force a place in white (by default) spaces. I don’t have to do that, because my whiteness has a space made for it (all the space not specifically claimed otherwise). But i should have to do that. If i identify myself and my space at the table as white the end result, broadly, is minimal – i can’t change the amout of space being taken up by whiteness. But i can change the amount of space being taken up by space that is white by default. And there is a small – but very important – difference.
That, i think, is my main impetus for claiming white as a part of my identity. I can also hope that it serves to take a little bit of whiteness back from all the ugly stereotypes that made me nervous about it in the first palce. I also think that giving up to all of the negatives i first mentioned is, again, giving in to privilege by avoiding situations or perceptions that make me uncomfortable.
Not that i’m quite there yet; avoidance is an expertise of mine, and i am rather afraid of being misconstrued.
This also brings up the question of claiming other privileged identities. Another time.
Lady Brett
"Black Superman" - Jude
It’s holiday season. I imagine you noticed.
I have noticed that i’m much more fond of “family” holidays than i used to be. Something about living afar from your family makes those times when it is obligatory to see them really sweet. But, of course, that only applies to Christmas here, as someone set Thanksgiving at an inconvenient proximity. That is, when it requires travel, it seems a bit silly to do big family shindig twice in the space of a month, so we tend to do Christmas.
Anyhow, what i was really thinking about was – clearly – Thanksgiving. Which is the wayside holiday that i haven’t done with my family in years – it’s kind of the girlfriend holiday, again due to proximity. Perhaps because i am very close to my immediate family (in a way that would be hard for most people to understand, maybe), i have always considered “in-law” (for lack of a better term) families important as well.
Mostly, it’s so damn nice to have nice “in-laws”. Jake’s parents made me nervous as hell (not that they weren’t nice…). And it was damn awkward coming to Thanksgiving as her roommate (i mean, really, you can get a free pass on that once, but after that it’s a bit transparent). Jamie’s folks are lovely (and, y’know, both know we’re dating). Moreover, while the girlfriend part is equally unstated with the extended family, it is somehow far less euphemistic. I suppose it is the subtle difference between “hi, this is my roommate” and “hi. (you can fill in the blanks your own damn self).”
Happy Thanksgiving y’all, despite the history of it. I’m off to bake cobbler – what better way to endear yourself with in-laws? Or anyone, really!
Lady Brett
"Secret Of Mine" - Hot Club Of Cowtown
