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“One of the virtues of not being puritanical about sex is not being embarrassed afterwards.”

January 22, 2009

There are a lot of explanations for my being gay, and there are a lot of things i like about it. There’s that falling head over heels for a girl (and then another one) thing. There are things to do with bodies and with fucking that i won’t go into in detail. There’s me being a nice girl, and giving everyone the chance to say “Ha! I knew it!”

And there is sexual freedom.

I don’t mean “isn’t it cool that i am free enough to be able to have sex with girls?” (It is, though!)

I mean that having sex with girls has given me the freedom to access other aspects of my sexuality. Because coming out as gay was easy, but being gay is what gave me the ability to come out (at least to myself) as slutty, kinky, and maybe a little less than gay.

To go in order – i’ve always* kind of wanted to be slutty. Dating is complicated, and i don’t think that kind of concern is worthwhile unless i’m really serious. And, though i couldn’t articulate it, i think i’ve always felt that way. But that doesn’t mean i want to be celibate in the meantime. As such, i liked the idea of strangers, one-night-stands, and (more recently) fuck-buddies.

But there are problems with that. One being that i had no interest in being made to feel guilty for things that i had already decided i was fine with doing. There are a lot of other (much more important) factors, but nonetheless my queer friends are very open about sex, unlike my old posse. So, socially, slutty became an acceptable option.

More relevant, though, is safety. Because i’m never going to get pregnant by a girl, and my chances of getting an std or coming to some more immediate harm is greatly reduced. I don’t mean that these are no longer concerns at all – of course one should always be careful, and nothing is foolproof – but that the odds are such that i’m willing to play, now.

*”always” defined here as “since i started thinking about these things” which i guess means college-ish.

Two, kinky. I had to be comfortable with sex in general before i was comfortable with experimenting with sex. I won’t say that it couldn’t have happened another way; i’ll never know. It did happen that it was a girl who made me comfortable with sex, and it was fairly quick in happening (in a relative sense, compared to the basically-no-progress on that count previously).

It also happens that my first kink is power, and i do not think that is a kink i could have learned in a straight couple. There is an inherent cultural power dynamic between men and women, which puts men as the more powerful. To me, that skews the choice aspect of bottoming – it doesn’t make it impossible, it just complicates it and, for me, makes it uncomfortable.

Which brings us to a little less than gay, which has two completely different parts. For one, my sexual experiences with women have made me comfortable with sex in a way that pushes all of the limits put on sex.

But, also, the way men interact with me as a lesbian makes some of them so much more appealing. I don’t mean assholes. Assholes aren’t relevant ’cause i wouldn’t have fucked them anyhow. I mean the guys i like. Since i “don’t like guys” i let my guard down once we pass “are you an asshole?” Since cool guys respect that i’m gay, they stop trying to pick me up. Which makes them so much more fun. And lets us engage in a little bit of shameless flirting because we both know it’s “safe”. Except, maybe, that one time, when it wasn’t. Which was great, if a little awkward after the fact.

Lady Brett

Inara - Firefly, "Heart of Gold"
P.S. - i'd like to thank some folks:
Sinclair, for asking the questions that got this going.
My friends, for being generally sex-positive (even if they aren't sex
geeky like myself).
Jake, for everything - and the possibility that i'd never have figured
any of this out without her influence.
And the first boy i actually messed around with, for asking "can i kiss
you?" and otherwise allowing me to entirely skip that part of my sexual
life where a woman thinks she has no control over what happens to her.
6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 22, 2009 11:14 pm

    *Love* this post, not to mention you, my favorite slutty, kinky, and a-little-less-than-gay girl.

    I adore this sentence: “For one, my sexual experiences with women have made me comfortable with sex in a way that pushes all of the limits put on sex.” How fantastic. I have to confess that the writer/professor in me wants to add “and sexuality” to the end of the sentence. Would that express your view correctly? I know you don’t need any editorial suggestions from the peanut gallery; I just wanted to point out that what’s really interesting for me about this post is the way you rethink some of our received ideas about the relationship between sexual practice (sex) and identity (sexuality).

    Little known fact: back in the day I used to proudly wear a “slut” button to pride & other queer events. I wasn’t actually a slut but I am in solidarity with sluts everywhere.


  2. January 23, 2009 9:52 am

    *blush* thank you, dear.

    hmm, yes, i think you are right. i think i skipped that part because i never (intellectually) adhered too much to limits on sexuality, but sex itself was a much more touchy subject for me, personally. but you are right that societally they are both quite limited, and society is what i was referring to there.
    (see, i totally do want editorial suggestions from the peanut gallery. though i like the ideas in this post, it’s the first time i’ve tried to put this idea into words, and i’m rather displeased with the writing.)

    yay solidarity! and this brings up another question to me – can i be a monogamous slut? i’m inclined to think of sluttiness as a sexuality, which is (kind of) independent of sex acts. i’ll have to ponder that…

  3. January 23, 2009 11:15 am

    “I am rather displeased with…”

    Really, who even says such thing except you and heroines in Victorian novels? I have no idea how you pull it off, but it’s utterly charming.

    Your final point is terrific. Another way of thinking about it is maybe a person can be slutty even if it’s only with one partner. Or does that veer too far away from the fundamental principle of sluttiness??


  4. January 23, 2009 11:16 am

    Second sentence should read:

    “Really, who even says such things…”

    Clearly, I need an editor myself!

  5. January 30, 2009 7:49 pm

    Wonderful writing.

    Although I can’t help thinking – shouldn’t it be “maybe a little more than gay”, rather than “less than”?

  6. February 2, 2009 1:10 pm

    sf – this is clearly going to require more thought =)

    snowdrop – thank you. and, yes, you may have a point there! perhaps quantifying it wasn’t the way to go in the first place

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