“One of the virtues of not being puritanical about sex is not being embarrassed afterwards.”

There are a lot of explanations for my being gay, and there are a lot of things i like about it. There’s that falling head over heels for a girl (and then another one) thing. There are things to do with bodies and with fucking that i won’t go into in detail. There’s me being a nice girl, and giving everyone the chance to say “Ha! I knew it!”

And there is sexual freedom.

I don’t mean “isn’t it cool that i am free enough to be able to have sex with girls?” (It is, though!)

I mean that having sex with girls has given me the freedom to access other aspects of my sexuality. Because coming out as gay was easy, but being gay is what gave me the ability to come out (at least to myself) as slutty, kinky, and maybe a little less than gay.

To go in order – i’ve always* kind of wanted to be slutty. Dating is complicated, and i don’t think that kind of concern is worthwhile unless i’m really serious. And, though i couldn’t articulate it, i think i’ve always felt that way. But that doesn’t mean i want to be celibate in the meantime. As such, i liked the idea of strangers, one-night-stands, and (more recently) fuck-buddies.

But there are problems with that. One being that i had no interest in being made to feel guilty for things that i had already decided i was fine with doing. There are a lot of other (much more important) factors, but nonetheless my queer friends are very open about sex, unlike my old posse. So, socially, slutty became an acceptable option.

More relevant, though, is safety. Because i’m never going to get pregnant by a girl, and my chances of getting an std or coming to some more immediate harm is greatly reduced. I don’t mean that these are no longer concerns at all – of course one should always be careful, and nothing is foolproof – but that the odds are such that i’m willing to play, now.

*”always” defined here as “since i started thinking about these things” which i guess means college-ish.

Two, kinky. I had to be comfortable with sex in general before i was comfortable with experimenting with sex. I won’t say that it couldn’t have happened another way; i’ll never know. It did happen that it was a girl who made me comfortable with sex, and it was fairly quick in happening (in a relative sense, compared to the basically-no-progress on that count previously).

It also happens that my first kink is power, and i do not think that is a kink i could have learned in a straight couple. There is an inherent cultural power dynamic between men and women, which puts men as the more powerful. To me, that skews the choice aspect of bottoming – it doesn’t make it impossible, it just complicates it and, for me, makes it uncomfortable.

Which brings us to a little less than gay, which has two completely different parts. For one, my sexual experiences with women have made me comfortable with sex in a way that pushes all of the limits put on sex.

But, also, the way men interact with me as a lesbian makes some of them so much more appealing. I don’t mean assholes. Assholes aren’t relevant ’cause i wouldn’t have fucked them anyhow. I mean the guys i like. Since i “don’t like guys” i let my guard down once we pass “are you an asshole?” Since cool guys respect that i’m gay, they stop trying to pick me up. Which makes them so much more fun. And lets us engage in a little bit of shameless flirting because we both know it’s “safe”. Except, maybe, that one time, when it wasn’t. Which was great, if a little awkward after the fact.

Lady Brett

Inara - Firefly, "Heart of Gold"

P.S. - i'd like to thank some folks:
Sinclair, for asking the questions that got this going.
My friends, for being generally sex-positive (even if they aren't sex
geeky like myself).
Jake, for everything - and the possibility that i'd never have figured
any of this out without her influence.
And the first boy i actually messed around with, for asking "can i kiss
you?" and otherwise allowing me to entirely skip that part of my sexual
life where a woman thinks she has no control over what happens to her.