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“you’re growing older in peace where you’re at”

April 9, 2012

I have been wanting so much to write.

We have been doing so much work at home – like the house is blooming in (an alarmingly early) spring, like everything else.  There is much more to do – i have made some rubble in the process of the work we’ve done that needs tending, and we have a checklist to complete as well.

We have been doing so much planning; toying with ideas for the way things could be.  The way things are is nice – nicer than it’s been in a while; i think that is springtime blooming as well – but i think that is in part because we have realistic (not necessarily concrete, but feasible) plans regarding how we really want to live, even if that’s not what we’re living now.

Things are changing so much.  We are just a couple of months from actual foster parenting (assuming nothing derails).  It’s mind-numbingly terrifying.  I would love to elaborate about it, but it sparks my panic button to think of it too closely, and i don’t know what i would say.  Other than that i am not worried about it, and i am excited about it.  I just can’t fathom it – i can’t wrap my head around the concept, and it terrifies me that no matter how much we talk over this or plan things, i haven’t the foggiest idea how things will be.  It’s difficult to be purposefully diving into complete uncertainty.  Once it is actually happening it will be a matter of dealing with a reality, which doesn’t concern me nearly so much.

Wish me luck.  I have a lot of work to do; it should keep my mind off my descent into lunacy.  Well, except that they’re going to come interview me about it and i have to pretend it isn’t lunacy or terrifying.  Could be exciting.

Lady Brett

"Downpour" - Brandi Carlile
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