“down these highways and dirty streets”
I had an epic breakdown the other day. It is remarkably unpleasant to not be in control of your own body.
It also kind of shot the whole evening to hell, which is especially problematic as it was the only evening this week we were going to be home to do anything. Which is kind of funny, as that was kind of what was freaking me out. (It wasn’t actually because Jamie is going to buy an appallingly colored car, though i think she still thinks that’s it. The color does make me a little anxious, but i don’t think it’s quite panic inducing.)
I think my priorities are totally twisted. More accurately, my priorities are fine, but my life lines up with them very little right now. That, and i still can’t figure out why i’m so busy, since all i do is work (and i’m not the workaholic sort, so it’s not a matter of actually working all the time).
Here is the thing about work – i am finally pretty good at my job, which is cool. I used to miss being a video store clerk sometimes, because, really, sometimes it’s just nice to be awesome at what you do – especially when you’re trying to wade through something you don’t know anything about. And i like my job – i like what we do, and i like my coworkers. All that is nice, but my job is not terribly important to me. It’s not this job; it’s work in general. I never had a “what i’m going to be when i grow up” and i’ve only recently realized that i still don’t, i probably never will, and i don’t terribly mind that.
But it wears me out. Sometimes it wears me out because we’re busy doing awesome stuff and i have to work late or don’t have any downtime. Sometimes it wears me out because we have all-day Saturday meetings or events. Sometimes it wears me out because i’m not doing a damn thing. That actually wears me out the most. That and sitting at a computer all day; it makes me sleepy and gives me headaches and kills my interest in good computer things (like blogs).
I think my main problem is not the time and energy i spend on work; it’s what i don’t spend my time and energy on instead. Cleaning the house, cooking dinner and training my dogs fall high on the list. Wedding planning falls on the list of things i must do, whether i want to or not. Taking care of my girlfriend when she’s sick, which is usually (i’m unsure more time would make me any better at it; caretaking is not my strong suit). Relaxing. Relaxing is high on my priority list, but, while i do a fair bit of nothing, i don’t relax at all with all the things i ought to be doing looming.
My problem may be that i’m just lazy. If so, it’s not going to change, which renders it kind of irrelevant.
Whatever it is, it’s stretching me out; i’ve been kind of disconnected and nervous, and it sucks. I’ve got no idea where to go from here, but it’s slightly reassuring to have a more concrete idea of what is going on. I’m toying with dropping fencing so that i can focus more on getting my shit together. It’s only one night a week, but this week that would have doubled the time i spent at home. I would certainly go back to it; i love it and it’s awesome, but i’m not sure i have room for it right now – as shown by the frequency with which i have not been able to make it anyway. On the other hand, it’s one more thing to not feel like a failure about. Not that i’m good at fencing, but i have in the past been good at showing up. It seems ridiculously minor, but it’s kind of the only part of my life that i feel like i can actually affect right now.
"People Talkin'" - Lucinda Williams