“i have to share you, honey – too much”
Jamie is at her last night of work. After tonight we will have generally the same schedule. No more not seeing her because i had to work a bit late. No more weekends eaten up by sleep and having to see her off on Saturday afternoon. And no more dragging her out of bed after three hours of sleep (hers) to get to class. I am thrilled; it makes my stomach flutter, just the idea of going to bed with her every night! It is possible that i am most excited about the idea of sitting down to dinner every night. Though i think it more likely the image is a stand-in for the more complex changes; a symbol of the stability i am hoping for.
This means no more enforced personal time either, of course. I am, at the moment, feeling serene about this, but it has been causing me a fair bit of (possibly unwarranted) stress recently – related to past hurt. Personal – and thus together – time was a major sticking point in my and Jake’s relationship. Not by any means the only scar i came out with, but that, probably more than anything else, was the catalyst for ending things. (As an aside: it is remarkable to me that a relationship with so little real wrongdoing can leave you with such emotional scars.) So, perhaps you can see where it makes me nervous (though clearly – clearly! – i know Jamie is not Jake, and, what’s more, our relationship is so, so, very different! and by different i do mean better). To be more specific, the actual problem, is that i am needy.
Following college, i was not terribly good at being alone (a result of roommates and generally quitting with that depression crap), something i have, by necessity, i suppose, gotten quite a bit better at. I have possibly even re-learnt to enjoy being alone – and i am much more productive that way. Most of that has changed somewhat recently – perhaps i am otherwise different as well, but i am afraid not. That is, i don’t really ever choose to be alone (it is somewhat hard for me to think of myself this way, as i was such a recluse for so long). Obviously, i could work harder to not be alone – go out, have friends – but if we are home, i don’t want to be apart. That has seldom been a problem, as we are only home together half the time as it is (though she made note of it once. i cried.). I am afraid that it will become a problem when we have more time. I am validly afraid that i won’t be able to keep my emotional reactions to things that i logically don’t mind in check, and i have lingering fears that i know don’t make as much sense in this context. But the latter are more panicky. And i’ve seen my triggers from past hurt squeezed before.
Have i mentioned how much it upsets me that past relationships leave these random, crazy scars that make life difficult for someone who had not a damn thing to do with them? It seems terribly unfair, and i can recall being concerned about it following me and Jake’s breakup. But it’s funny that the things i am messed up about are not at all the things i thought i was going to carry forward.
Okay. I’m not clear if that made any sense, but i don’t think i’ll be able to do it better. Shall we return to the reasons i am giddy? I get to keep her! In the long term, in fact, but that is not even what i mean – i get to keep her every day.
We are going camping next weekend! I can’t think of a better way to kick off having weekends off together (well…)
"Too Much" - Elvis Presley