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“i don’t want your drugs; i don’t want your money”

February 26, 2010

So, to make up for my googly-eyed goofiness recently, i would like to point out something that does not make me giddy about this mawwage process.

Don’t worry too much, though – i promise to return fully to googly-ness when i can get a picture of my ring (read: when i can get Jamie to get a picture of it for me – digital cameras are still a bit beyond me ;).

My biggest discomfort of the actual wedding-type-things so far has come from thinking about gifts. I have come to the appalling realization that we are going to have to register for wedding gifts. Yeah, yeah, it’s our wedding, we don’t “have to” do anything…except that you kind of do.

For one thing, the whole idea of wedding gifts as assistance in starting a household is problematic. Practically, our house is started. Over-started, if you ask me. Maybe we can have a hobbit birthday style wedding and get rid of some things… I think the relevance of the concept relies on moving straight from parents to husband. Of course, that’s what most wedding traditions spring from, and i don’t think that having a sketchy origin is any reason to dismiss an idea outright – something i’ll go into more detail about later (like if i get into why i would love to have my daddy “give me away”).

So, more to the point – i am not a big fan of gifts. Not that i don’t love thoughtful gifts, only i have never in my life been upset by not receiving a present. With some exceptions (Christmas), my gift-giving style is something of “i saw this thing i thought you would love so here it is,” and i generally don’t have the patience to squirrel those things away for an “occasion.” And, i would be very, very happy if i never got another gift that didn’t fall into the above category. Acquiring stuff makes me uncomfortable. I even feel weird about having too much stuff when i love my stuff! So getting things for the sake of getting is really, entirely unappealing to me – and, i think, unfair to the giver as well.

Ahem – reasons i don’t want a wedding registry

  • i don’t want more shit, and i don’t want to encourage rampant consumerism
  • what i do want are a few very specific (and mostly pricey) things (alternate reading: i’m a picky bitch)
  • registries are inherently oriented towards gigantic companies, and while i do shop at those places a lot, that is not what i want to support on my super wish-list
  • i dislike people spending money on me, generally. Add that almost everyone on “my side” of the guest list will already be shelling out to just show up.
  • add also that making a “buy me this” list ruins the one thing i do like about receiving gifts.
  • i dislike, especially, that it is accepted that spending money is the most appropriate way to show that you love and support me.
  • the idea of having to go talk to the wedding registry person at a store gives me preemptive social anxiety.

and, reasons i think we are going to have a registry:

  • some people are going to buy wedding presents no matter what
  • what i do want are a few very specific things (alternate reading: i’m a picky bitch), also known as a “please don’t get me that” list
  • ahem, i would like to quote Jamie on this one, “whatever, if my family wants to buy us stuff so they don’t have to feel bad about not wanting to come to our wedding, that’s fine.” (by the way; not an immediate family issue =)
  • oh, and having a zap-gun in a store sounds like kind of fun (though i’m afraid that might exacerbate some of the problems mentioned above)

So, there you have it. And, as a caveat, i think we are not going to particularly advertise the registry fact, but only have it available if necessary. Well, that and, of course, everything is subject to change without notice – i still feel that everything is tentative at this point.

So, i kind of hate the whole getup. I know there are alternate ideas, but i don’t really see them being practical. And, in the end, it doesn’t really matter a whole hell of a lot.

Lady Brett

"Steal Your Love" - Lucinda Williams
4 Comments leave one →
  1. James permalink
    February 26, 2010 5:09 pm

    What if you registered for people to donate to a specified charity?

  2. Vintage_Femme permalink
    February 27, 2010 6:15 pm

    Or, though less altruistic… you could ask people to donate money to a honeymoon fund or a ‘gift fund’ so that you can do your own shopping!

  3. February 27, 2010 9:26 pm

    I love this. Only one couple I know did a “no gifts” wedding. The focus on presents has gotten so out of control that sometimes it feels like people get hitched and have children simply for the loot.

    I am old-fashioned enough that I actually agree with Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners) that it is bad manners to assume that people will give presents or suggest that they do so. One is supposed to be pleasantly surprised if guests give gifts. This is why I personally hate registries, although I agree with James that charitable giving is a good idea. Miss Manners would disapprove, but I think you can do the charitable giving thing in a way that’s tasteful and makes it clear that such giving is neither expected nor necessary.

    My 2 cents!


  4. March 3, 2010 8:10 pm

    I’m late to this, but I am going to pipe up anyway. I attended a wedding where the vibe was essentially one of “If you feel like you MUST buy something, please donate to Oxfam.” It was made quite clear that the best gift I could give was my presence at the wedding and on the dance floor.

    I’ve also attended weddings where the bride and groom requested a creative offering in lieu of a gift, such as a photo of the guest, a recording of the guest’s favorite love song, or a note about when the guest first met the bride or groom.

    And in the end, it’s your day, so do what you want.

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