“about to drive poor me insane”
Meme from Greg. Because i am a crap blogger now, that’s why. When i’m feeling good i get work done around the house; when i’m feeling bad, i’m generally busy feeling bad. Mostly i’ve been getting a lot done, but either way i’ve been not writing.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I think i would say something different each time. Or perhaps it would be more fun to stick with “i don’t know.”
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? That depends greatly on the details – i am a believer in cost-benefit analysis.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? I’m going with Greg: Money. But i would also like to point out that sometimes it is important to do something you don’t like – and that we do them because life isn’t really that damn short and sometimes it is really worth it to suck it up for now so you can get where you really want to be.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Seems unlikely, as doing is an all-the-time thing, and no matter how much i say, i can’t always talk.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I don’t like the power in this. But i think less anger.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Part-time work! Housewifery and furniture-making, perhaps a splash of what i currently do for a living.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I don’t think i’m settling for anything right now. I’m not sure that means i’m entirely doing what i believe in, though.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Well, in a looking back kind of way it would be vastly different, as i would have had elderly parents as a child, and they most likely would have died before i hit my teens.
In a looking forward kind of way, it doesn’t seem terribly relevant, minus, for the reasons above, taking any idea involving childrens off the table.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I feel that i have very much lived in a “which way the winds blow” sort of way. Except i know that sounds like carefree, hippie, train-hopping stuff. But including in “the winds” people’s expectations of me and such, i think it is, perhaps, much more structured than it would have been had i “actually controlled” it. On the other hand, i have a particular friend who chastises me for this mindset. She says i don’t take credit for anything i do.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Generally, i’m more concerned about doing things well than right. As for doing the right things, i think i only worry about that when i’m approaching panic or social anxiety.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I’ve got no time for distasteful criticism, justified or no. I tend to shut off and not participate when conversations take that turn – even if i agree with the critics. There is a breaking point somewhere where i either extract myself or say i’m fucking tired of it. I think when it is a case of my disagreeing with the criticisms, i am far more likely to grow a pair and say something, and sooner.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Maintain good credit. <–ha! indeed.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Surely. Assuming you mean “save” in a really important way.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? I tend to reserve the idea of insanity for moments of self-loathing, so no.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
Sleep with a t-shirt over my head? Only when my hair is wet.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
If the same things made everyone happy…well, i think that would be miserable.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? One thing? There are a million. So, time. But also the fact that none of them a pressing; really wanting to do something is different that wanting to do it now.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I’m sorry, this just gave me a really funny mental image of dragging around hanging off someone’s ankle.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
I’d really hate to move right now. In a temporary, and probably a bit off, kind of way there’s been talk of Boston. For school/work for Jamie, so a semester or year. Chances are i’d have to stay here, but if i could i’d go with her. I know good people in Boston. That didn’t answer that at all, did it?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No. And [it irks me off when other people do, because] no.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I dislike either-or. Too essentialist, like you can’t be joyful and genius. Or simple and worried, which seems exceeding common to me. I’d rather be joyful than most anything though. But, while i think i am far, far off from genius (which i keep misspelling), being thoughtful brings me joy.
22. Why are you, you?
I yam what i yam.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I’m a pretty darn good friend when i’m around. I have a bad habit of falling off the face of the earth. It doesn’t mean i love you any less. Just that i suck at a particular and important part of being a friend.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Oh, losing touch with someone nearby results in occasional awkward encounters, which i do not like (but which sometimes present an opportunity to get back in touch). I have, on exactly one occasion, kept in touch with a good friend far away, so it can be done, and it is good.
25. What are you most grateful for?
I would say, that Puppy is fine and dandy and alive, but grateful is a strange word and i don’t know who to be grateful to.
Perhaps that she loves me. I find it odd, but when she says “I love you,” i always think “oh, good!” So, that’s usually what i say. Sorry i’m weird, honey.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? It would be interesting (in a sort of miserable way) to move forward from a blank. I think it’s simply far too early to be cut off. But i think losing all your memories would lose you all the relationships you’ve formed, and that thought makes me sick.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? I don’t think it’s possible to know the truth – challenge or no.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? No. I’m not entirely sure what it is, but i’m sure that it hasn’t happened.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
I don’t appreciate this sort of leading question.
Sure, and yes. The ones i remember are the ones that had major effects on the direction things went. Making decisions upsets me, so i was upset when i decided not to go to grad school (almost exactly five years ago, actually), even though i haven’t doubted the decision a bit since then. Same could be said for a number of other events.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
I don’t think i have one. Which is probably good – i guess it says good things about my childhood that i can’t pinpoint “the good part.”
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
I fluctuate too much to pinpoint anything, though i think i always feel rather alive, if not always passionate.
32. If not now, then when?
When it’s time!
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
I’m sorry, i don’t deal well with vague; i’m confused. But i’m not one to pinpoint one “it” to achieve.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No. That sort of thing can be wonderful in any number of ways, but “conversation” is not one of them. The only person i could likely have a conversation with without speaking is Jamie (who has a bizarre knack for reading me), and “best” is not how i would describe those interactions.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Religions that support love don’t cause wars.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No! (more eloquently: what Greg said–>) Doubt is a good thing. I don’t think it’s possible to know anything without a bit of doubt.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No.
Probably not, but i’d see about going part-time. I certainly wouldn’t quit having a job, but i might try out something new and self-driven.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
Less. I stress easily. And i already enjoy a lot of the work i do. Caveat: if i had less work, i’d like to be able to spend less time on it – if i have to be working; i’d rather have something to do.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Huh? I guess that’s a no.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
This sentence doesn’t hold meaning to me – i suppose never.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? I don’t like this question. <–yeah.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Ugh. As long as my honey thinks i’m hot i’m good. And fame i can do without.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Biology vs. philosophy?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
I think that doing what you know is right weighs pretty heavily in the “rewards” side. So, never, clearly.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because there are a ton of easier and better ways to learn! (like from other people’s mistakes) Anyhow, it goes back to calculating; we’re not always afraid of mistakes, only the ones with more risk than reward.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
In the past, lots. Now, not too much, and probably mostly talk – share my candid opinions and thoughts about things. And talk about sexuality more.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? At pilates last night.
As seldon as possible (and, now, thanks for bringing it to my attention). When i notice my breathing i pattern and regulate it and it gets off and makes me feel short-of-breath and panicky. I think it’s an OCD patterns thing; i’ve done it as long as i can recall.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
My Pups! Always! Except sometimes when i’m a grump. But otherwise, i express oodles of love to Dog, to his dissatisfaction. And to Puppy, who loves back with the most disgustings and slobbers she can manage.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Maybe. Some of it has distinct physical reminders that i hope to still be living in the midst of then. As for remembering when i did what; unlikely.
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I love letting others make decisions for me. Saying that makes me feel i need to defend it. But i don’t think i will, unless pressed.
"Texas Flood" - Stevie Ray Vaughan