“now don’t you try and tell me that it’s rain”
Oh, i’ve been tagged! An honest scrap, thanks to (brilliant and fascinating) Em the Femme. It makes good sense, as i think she might be the most honest blogger i read – not to imply that others are particularly dishonest, but some of us have a bit more of persona or distance or passwords than pure openness.
I am supposed to tag 10 others, but i always feel awkwardly officious doing so. This despite feeling all kinds of fancy when i am tagged myself.
10 Honest Things
- I have a deep-seated fear that i’m going to go really, dysfunctionally crazy someday. I think without that my panics and spells would not bother me terribly much. But once i begin to fall into that i get a terrible fear that someday i’m not going to come back out; that someday i will get stuck and be really crazy forever.
- I hate crying. People have always said that crying is cathartic – you should “let it out” and you will feel better afterwards. I used to hate that, because crying used to only cause me to feel mad – out-of control – and angry at myself for it, and thus made everything worse until i wore myself out and fell asleep.
- I am beginning to be able to cry without total meltdown, thanks to Jamie. She makes me a lot more sane in some ways. Or, more importantly, she can even make me feel okay about being crazy. Except for, sometimes (see #1) i get an added paralyzing fear that she’ll leave me. She’s really kind of amazing.
- I love my job. More importantly, i love the people at my job. I even, amazingly, feel like my job matters. Kind of. But working full-time makes me feel like i am constantly on the cusp of everything crashing down around me.
- This is because the things that i truly value are not the things i (will ever) get paid for, so i feel like i am awkwardly putting one of the less important parts of my life in the top-priority slot, and pushing my top priorities into lower slots. It makes me feel icky and unproductive.
- My daydreams involve, primarily, being a housewife. Maybe a part-time housewife. I think that without kids it would be hard to really make good use of all of that time at home. But it makes so much more sense to me to spend my time keeping house in a time-consuming, healthy manner than to spend it making the money to keep my house in a haphazard way. Of course, some of the money is necessary to pay the mortgage and such…i haven’t worked out the details yet.
- I am terrified of the idea of having kids. (“Having kids” is defined in my vocabulary as procuring children, not strictly as “bearing children,” which is absolutely out of the question.) I am, for one thing, genuinely freaked out by babies. Sorry. I love children; i think they are brilliantly fun. But they bring out a lot of my communication anxiety, because they tend to be about as bad at communicating as i am, and less rational. That is all somewhat aside, as it is about children in general. It is children in constant and permanent that i am so really terrified of. I feel like having kids would bare all of the worst things about me. Things that really fuck me up include loud noises, lack of sleep, lack of private time – primarily lack of private time with my girlfriend.
- I am terrified that my not wanting to have kids is going to ruin my relationship someday. Maybe in about five years.
- Despite today apparently being insecurity time, and despite my being awkward and shy in many inter-personal situations, i am a very confidant person. I am confidant (and stubborn) enough that i am afraid i am something of an asshole when not well tempered by social awkwardness.
- Despite today apparently being insecurity time, i am really brilliantly happy with my life. I have a solid, creepy (for a nomad) sense that this is what i want. And i still get a bit of a flutter in my fingertips when i say things like forever, but not because it seems untrue, unlikely or unlovely. I just need a bit more practice.
On second thought, i do want to give the nod to some of my favorite bloggers. Let’s not call it tagging for my sanity and ease of (guiltless!) laziness for those mentioned. Without further ado – some parts of the internet i would love to have a drink with:
"Hello Walls" - Willie Nelson