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“love and honor you the rest of your life”

November 10, 2008

I’ve said all i have to say about the politics of (gay) marriage for the time being. Hows about the non-politics of it?

I’m not exactly a romantic. At least, i have a reputation to uphold. As a kid i never assumed i would get married like everyone else seems to have. Admittedly, that may have had more to do with my inclination against planning ahead than any antipathy towards matrimony. Even so, it’s never seemed reasonable. I realize that is a bit beside the point, but i certainly do not believe that love is enough in a relationship, so reason must be taken into some account.

My main problem has always been with that “’till death do us part” bit. Though i love the wording, the idea of making a promise “forever” just freezes me up. I feel rather strongly about my word, and that conventional wisdom to not make promises you can’t keep. It’s not that i *know* i couldn’t be true to such a promise, but it seems to me that i can’t know whether i will be able (or inclined) to in such a distant future as “forever” includes.

In reality, my interpretation of that is less one of “forever, no matter what,” than of “put everything you can into making it work.” I guess i’m just not ready for that kind of work. I think that should be saved for when you’re raising kids.

And that’s why i don’t plan to get married. Not that i trust myself. Fortunately for me, she knows i’m a bit panicky on the subject, so i’m sure my convictions won’t be tested any time soon.

As for the pros…

Frankly, the main reason i occasionally daydream about “my” wedding is that there are so few excuses to have a party like that. And an excuse for a high class party is something i have been looking for my whole life. Well, ever since the masked ball scene in Much Ado About Nothing (in, what, third grade?) That and i like planning things. Especially fake things, in my head, where i can dismiss the dismal details. So, in fake, i want Dog there, i want my Dad to “give me away,” i want my brother to be my maid of honor(?), and i want to get ahold of all the people who i love and have lost contact with (there are a lot of them) and swing dance all night.

Jamie’s best friend and roommate is commonly jokingly referred to as her gay husband. He and i were discussing the possibility of their getting for-real-married for certain of the benefits. He said i could be their best man. As if people weren’t confused enough by the three of us!

Perhaps that won’t happen, but i *am* going to be in my first wedding – excepting the flower girl times i can’t remember – next year. I’m going to be a…groomsmaid? Bridesman?…well, in the party of the more butchy bride. These gay wedding sure *do* complicate things.

And, in a nod from the universe towards all the poor butches who have been forced into dresses for friends and siblings, i am to wear a pantsuit.

Lady Brett
“Be Your Husband” – Jeff Buckley

p.s. have you noticed that the traditional wedding vows don’t preclude polyamory? Not notably relevant personally, but i think that’s pretty cool.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 11, 2008 6:57 am

    One of the many delights of a gay wedding is the planning. There is a lack of pre-conception about what a gay wedding should “look” like which gives you pretty much a blank canvas to make it exactly what you want.

  2. November 11, 2008 11:24 am

    how terribly exciting! I’m loving the thought of you in a suit again! Yeah. I’ve been planning my own wedding for awhile. Dana and I say that if we ever get married it’s going to be the party of a lifetime – we want tuxedos, floor length evening gowns, Groomsbutches and Bridesfemmes, fancy food and wine… and of course everyone’s dogs would be there!

  3. November 11, 2008 7:15 pm

    oh that forever thing is tough, isn’t it? when i vowed forever i meant it with all my heart and i think it was a big mistake. now i still love the woman i vowed it to and i don’t see stopping any time soon. but something about putting it in stone that way did bad things to us.

    oh damn, my comment is so much less fun that the other two! well, props to your friend for having you wear a suit. ;) the last time i wore a dress i was in a wedding party. :(

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