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“maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true”

September 30, 2008

Belle asked some interesting questions in response to my whining about making two different lives mesh together. My response got excessive, so here is a follow-up post.

I think partly me and Jamie just mesh well, ’cause me and Jake never figured out how to talk so well. I give Jamie a lot of the credit for being able to pull truth (or words at all) out of me.

The one major thing i hadn’t realized i’m doing now is just talking. That is, i made kind of a point of actually saying what i’m thinking aloud. At first, this was mostly because i wanted her to know how much i liked her, so i started telling her (which was, actually, rather novel to me. I was so worried at the time that my nerves over having a relationship would be read as “i don’t like you,” so it seemed a necessity.)

That’s probably a good thing in itself, but relevant to this is that it’s gotten me used to talking to her instead of living in my head (which is my bent). So now i actually feel capable of bringing things up when i start thinking about them (like, when i’m musing about it instead of when it’s a huge fucking deal).

I think sometimes there is resentment ’cause things aren’t ever quite even, but we’ve mostly caught it before it gets to that point. We tend to blame the situation rather than each other, which is kind of silly, and it’s just ’cause we’re both so non-confrontational, but it helps, i think. It’s like, instead of me versus you (“i want to be home, but i can’t cause we’re at your home”), it’s us versus time/situation (“we want to be at home/together, but it’s hard ’cause there’s not time/we live across town/etc, etc.”)

Needing space/time is so not something i know how to navigate – i generally don’t, and i didn’t deal well with hearing that in the past, but it hasn’t come up this time around. That is the one advantage of having totally different work schedules. Even though we both tend to want to spend all our time together, i think it’s probably good for us to have alone free time, and this way it’s pretty much enforced.

Anyhow, i hope this helps. I feel kind of weird giving advice at all, but especially on communication stuff, since in the past i’ve been so spectacularly bad at it. Thanks for asking, though. All of this happened almost naturally, so i hadn’t given it any thought, and it’s nice to kind of understand what’s going on now – makes it feel less ephemeral, like maybe i could even do it on purpose if i needed to =)

Lady Brett
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice” – The Beach Boys

One Comment leave one →
  1. September 30, 2008 4:30 pm

    You’re right; definitely do not spend all of your time together! Then you risk becoming one of those couples that morph into one person. You know what I mean: the dreaded enmeshed lesbian syndrome.


    I’m scared and Halloween is a whole month away ;-)

    xo Sf

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