“i changed the tracks underneath the train”
Part of my regular cycle of thought about this blog is what if someone i know finds it? It is anonymous, but only in two of three ways; you would never find this if you were looking for (“real”) me online, and if you read my blog it’s not going to lead you to (“real”) me, but if you knew me and happened to run across this i’m fairly sure it would be immediately obvious.
I don’t like the idea of this being found, but i don’t think it would throw me off horribly. What worries me most is how someone who i write a lot about would feel about it. That would be primarily Jake and Jamie, because it feels like there is a point where it is an invasion of privacy to write about someone else’s private life (even if it’s because it happens to be largely the same as my private life). On the one hand, it is anonymous, but it is also completely public.
Anyhow, got me thinking on why i started this, and what role it has played for me (other than soapbox, which is fun, but not so relevant). I have trouble remembering the timing clearly, but it was partly an effort to think through problems in my and Jake’s relationship in a more coherent way. It’s a place for me to share things i’m not comfortable sharing with the people i know (directly related to the working through problems thing – lots of denial there – but a lot of the really great stuff falls into this category too). I think in both of those ways it de-clutters my head some. Plus there’s feedback, which is so cooler than keeping a journal (which i’ve always kind of hated when i’ve done). And the feedbackers have turned out to be awesome cool people, which is, really, probably the best part.
There is one other major purpose (or at least effect) which only occurred to me yesterday. It served to put up a barrier in my relationship. That’s a good thing, by the way. I need that. Because i don’t do it naturally. Certainly not with Jake. But in general it seems that i really throw my all into romantic relationships. Which, sure, is good. For the most part. But it’s also really detrimental for your relationship to be your everything (this was a huge problem with me and Jake because of a lot of situational stuff on top of my tending that way).
That doesn’t help me figure out what to do about how much is too much and such (’cause there’s a lot more i would love to say, but i’m stuck on that right now), but it’s super important to me that i figured that out.
“Changed the Locks” – Lucinda Williams