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“if i made you feel second best, girl i’m sorry i was blind”

May 27, 2008

Last night Jamie asked me – i don’t remember exactly what she said, but – if i was messing around with anyone else. I’m not, absolutely not. “So Jake was really just spending the night?” Shit. Yes.

Jamie had to work all weekend. Me and Jake were hanging out for most of it, which included being drunk, and so crashing at my place because it’s close to where we were and hers is across town. And i thought it was all clear, and cool, and i feel terrible that it wasn’t. It is, for one thing, so completely understandable (read: should have been obvious) that she’d be concerned about my ex staying over. But, honestly, it took me totally by surprise. I don’t think i could be more over anyone, and i don’t think there is a friend i feel more platonic towards now than Jake – in some ways it’s even weird to me to think about when we were together and stuff we did because even if we were both single and she was interested (which i don’t think she is) i wouldn’t have the least interest in doing anything with her. It’s so beyond possibility to me that i forget that it’s not as clear to everyone else. And i feel kind of stupid, imperceptive and a bit of a bitch for not realizing.

I’m glad she asked, though. She said, “well, i’ve learned you can’t just assume that stuff.” Yeah, you’re right about that. But no, no, no – i’m not doing anything with anyone else, and i haven’t the least interest at the moment. But what i didn’t say is that if i were interested in that, she would know. Before anything happened. Because, well, i’m past believing that being in a relationship is the same as signing up for monogamy, but it is very certainly signing up for openness and communication, and…i don’t quite know. I think what i mean is that you sign up to play by the rules. What the rules are is between you and whoever else is involved. But if you think you might break them, you’d damn well better clarify what they are first. But i didn’t say that. In the context, i couldn’t figure out how to say it without it kind of neutering the bit about not wanting anyone else (it kind of sounds excuseish), and i so badly wanted to reassure her on that point.

Now that i’ve made it sound like a huge deal, it wasn’t really, i don’t think. It went more like: She asked, i said “good god, no!”, she relaxed visibly, said “oh, good.” It just really dug into me. I took the chance to ask her if she minded how flirty i am with my friends. She said not at all, that she thinks it’s really cute. God, she’s so sweet. And mostly so cool and laid back and confident about these sorts of things, which is perhaps one reason i didn’t realize she was worried – i often forget that there are a few certain things she is not confident about. I am glad i got to ask her about my flirting – i’ve been wanting to, because i was actually worried about. It’s funny to me that what worried her and i were completely different things.

I don’t think i would do anything differently if she didn’t approve. I think i want to have these discussions not to get her permission, but to make sure she understands where i’m coming from; that she’s totally “safe” (silly word to use here, but i can’t think of another). There’s a fine line in there somewhere between self-confidence and self-absorption. I hope i find it when (if) this comes up.

Lady Brett
“Always on my Mind” – Willie Nelson

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