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“burns too hot, plays too rough”

May 1, 2008

If i had written this earlier like i meant to, it would have stopped with the question part of this. She has wonderful toppy tendencies, but so mild – like on the patio when she would grab my wrists from, say, arms around her neck and push them down to the railing to my sides and let me go. And i wondered if she was afraid of scaring me off by pushing too far. Or had she not really tried that sort of thing before, and so was unsure/afraid of her own impulse, or of where to go from there?

Well, yes. At least a bit. Later last night, lazing and talking, she said she had always thought i was…i don’t remember exactly, “soft-spoken” was in there, but basically, sweet and shy and quiet. All of which i am, sometimes, but apparently i rather surprised her. So, yes, i think she was worried about freaking me out.

(aside: i am so totally fascinated with things like this – the image we project of ourselves vs. who we really (think we) are. First impressions especially. But i thought her comment was particularly interesting ’cause we’ve been friends for 6 monthsish now, so this was rather more substantial of an impression.)

Also, her ex was so totally not okay with anything at all along those lines (you know, anything fun ;). I gather that made her a bit more cautious, but also that she was pretty sure she wanted to do something rough/kinky/fun/whatever, but hasn’t really had the chance to try it out.

This understanding came about because of her belt (see sex survey below) and some joke comment about it being multi-purpose. Which led to a later discussion of what else, perhaps, you can do with a nice cloth belt: say, tie up someones hands. And she said “i’ve got something at home that’s actually meant for that.” “Me too,” I laughed just a little. “I’ve never gotten to use them, though.” “That’s a damn shame,” and i certainly meant it (as well as something like, “Oh, me! I’ll do it. Let’s go!”).

She’s also got a rather remarkable ability to read me. Well, that or i’m just completely transparent. Anyhow, back at the lazing and talking, the belt was sort of buried under, tangled up in, us a little, and when she pulled it loose it did that whip thing against my arm. I didn’t much feel it, but it made a fantastic noise. She caught that brief sparkle in my eye; called me on it too. And she caught me eyeing her boots when she was getting ready for work – i hadn’t even noticed i was doing it, but she was right. It’s almost silly, but she really does look sexy in her work uniform (nice leather belt too…”and it’s broken in” she said).

“Since neither of us would know [per a previous discussion], is this casual dating?”

I said i don’t know, and, though it’s been on my mind, couldn’t think of anything else to say. She laughed at me, said, “Don’t look so serious. No rings. I think you’re sweating.” Not literally, but she had a point. And i really didn’t think it would have been so clear – i was mostly just trying to think of something to say. But, see…I just figured it out, i think. Bear with me here; i’m making shit up as i go.

So, i haven’t wanted a relationship. But now that this one (the details are fuzzy, but it’s clearly some kind of relationship) has kind of happened to me, i find myself leaning into the relationshippy things. I want to hold hands and lean my head on her shoulder and smile at her across the room, and twice as much when i know i can’t. But i don’t feel very emotionally attached. Which is why i’m afraid i’m being (gonna be) a bitch. I mean, it’s not that i don’t like her, i really do, but, well, we’ve been friends for a while, and it – emotionally – doesn’t feel any different than that now. Which i realize could be a good thing…maybe. But it’s way outside my comfort zone. My relationship with Jake was damn near a love at first sight thing (except, you know, i don’t beleive in that sort of thing). Lightning-bolt stuff. And all of my previous relationships, including Jake, have gone on a “oh hi, let’s talk for 12 hours, oh we’re dating” timeline. So i’m nervous because this is not what i’m used to. I’ve always been leery of dating friends because or the potential to screw up a perfectly good friendship when the relationship ends.

That said, i guess this seemed to happen rather suddenly as well – no dates, just making out in the club bathroom and her coming home with me. Thought i meant to say earlier, when i invited her over to my place that night it was actually rather earlier, simply ’cause she was totally too drunk to drive herself home, and on innocent friend terms (’cause i’ve shared a bed with plenty of friends, no biggie). But, really, it’s been a long time coming. And i’d been trying to avoid it. Every time we were hanging out alone together i’d kind of seen it coming – that if i stuck around something was going to happen. And i always cleared out when i saw that, because i am afraid of being a bitch. I guess because i could tell – or thought – that she liked me (verified now, at least true as of the first time i’m thinking of here, a few months back), and i wasn’t sure what i felt.

Lady Brett
“If Her Lovin’ Don’t Kill Me” – John Anderson – i’m doing this at the show this weekend…been planning on it for a while now, ’cause it’s a cool-sexy-funny song…funny how the timing worked out, though =)

One Comment leave one →
  1. May 1, 2008 9:45 am

    I love the stories of people getting together. How everything just collides eventually and you either sink or swim, that is leave or get together. Good times.

    It sounds to me like she has toppy impulses but that they haven’t been embraced in past relationships or validated and thus she is shy. I’d say… nurture that element in her and in a little way it’ll be busting out in leaps and bounds all on its own!

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