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“i’ll never love anyone again, not the way that i loved you”

April 23, 2008

This is something i wrote up after reading the article Dylan wrote about a few weeks back (For Lovers and Fighters by Dean Spade). I’d recommend reading it in general, but the part that struck me personally was where he was talking about hoe you don’t simply lose your sexual interest in others because you are in a relationship.

The thing is, though, that i mostly do. Based on my sample of one serious relationship, so grain of salt and all that. While me and Jake were together i basically didn’t have any interest in anyone else, either specifically or generally. So, was that because i was so goddamn in love that i really only had eyes for her? It’s possible. In certain aspects my libido certainly follows after my brain; and i’m pretty sure that my brain follows my heart. If that is the case, then i guess i could trust myself to do it again, given the circumstance.

Or was it essentially a matter of habit? I was fairly new to the whole thing; she was the first person i was genuinely comfortable about sex with. This is – though i don’t know if i thought of it so specifically – the theory i prescribed to when i excused her cheating: she was in the habit of doing whatever she wanted regarding sex, so clearly the monogamy and long distance thing must have been harder for her. If this is the case, then i am not sure how i will fare in a future relationship.

I suspect it’s some combination. I suspect myself of getting very used to doing what (who) i like, and so it not being easy to put aside should the situation arise, but i don’t actually think it is a hopeless case. And i do tend to get at least a little more focused when i really like someone.

But there is another side to it. I was so used to simply not being interested in other people that when i did find myself attracted to someone else it threw me into total confusion; questioning myself and the relationship. I had no real mechanism for dealing with a threat on my end of the relationship (Of course, timing and cause and effect being what they are, it’s possible that my new interest was an effect of our relationship beginning to falter, not a cause. Or perhaps irrelevant.)

And perhaps i will fall crazy in love again and this will become a blissful non-issue. For a while. But maybe i am actually prepared now to work through such things when and if they do arise. Maybe that is the kind of love that only happens once anyway, when you start out blissfully unaware. That’s a kind of sad thought, but it was fun while it lasted.

A side not on the song lyric – this is one of my very favorite lines. It’s funny, the song is typical Ferrick melodramatic broken-heartedness (don’t get me wrong, i love this stuff, and no one does it better), but i’ve always thought that one line was so fucking perfect – stable and true.

Lady Brett
“Break Up Song” – Melissa Ferrick

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 25, 2008 2:36 pm

    I think compulsory monogamy teaches us to not have interest in anyone else when we’re in a relationship. Once you make it a possibility, you realize, oh, I actually probably always felt attractions towards other people even though I was/am in a stable, loving, fulfilling relationship.

    Americans are overall so lonely because we expect our partner to be everything… our best friend, lover, confidant… that’s too much. Maintaining lots of different relationships for different reasons will actually make your romantic partnership stronger.

    That said, even after being poly, I’m not sure I’d want all my relationships to function that way. There is something I do miss very strongly about the pair relationship.

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