“the master of disaster gets tangled in his telecaster”
This situation is difficult for me to explain for a few reasons. One is that it’s all a bit vague, there isn’t a lot of certainty. Related is that i hate to say anything bad about anyone, particularly when i’m not certain. And this is all new to me.
A bit of back story would help, i suppose – i’ll keep it short. A moved (back) to town a few months ago. She’s cool, fun, (cute), going through a bunch of rough shit. She fell in with my posse, and we largely helped her get back on her feet. A few (3?) weeks back, we were all hanging out – the original posse, if you will – and the conversation turned to A. And it was like nothing added up, but in a strange way. There were a few little, pointless lies, but mostly it was a matter of the same story being told slightly differently to each person – like either she doesn’t mean to (possibly as a result of wanting to tell everyone what they want to hear at the expense of the truth) or she’s really good at this (if she did it on purpose, she found a damn good group of people to help her out, while it lasted). The thing is, A used to bitch about the drama, but she was the crux of it all. That seems strange, because the drama was never about her. I suppose that’s why it took a while to figure out.
An important note on drama (or, my opinion about drama). Drama is never necessary. Drama does not come from events, though some events are more likely than others to induce drama. The drama comes from how people deal with events. Basically, there are dramatic people, not dramatic things.
So. Some of my friends were having problems. Problems which turned into dyke drama. But, once we all finally sat down and hashed it out, it’s fairly clear that the drama was coming from A interpreting the things that happened as such. This is not to say that without A they won’t still have problems. But problems can be worked through (though not always to everyone’s satisfaction). It was getting so god-damn draining to deal with the fact that everything that happened – and it was everything, the part i rehashed was simply the major one – turned into something big. I’m not sure how much of this has been communicated to A by others (i haven’t said anything), but i’m pretty damn certain she can tell that something changed, because all of our attitudes made a big shift after that. I’ve hung out with her once since then. Talked to her maybe two other times. This can easily be written of as, a) mood swings/not feeling social, b) my vacation is over, and she is finally back at work and works quite a lot now. But that is pretty obviously not true – she was calling/texting/hanging out with me damn near all the time before.
That’s the gist of what happened. And it’s totally fucked me up – i can’t land anywhere on it. If i had a concrete idea what i thought about it, i could just move on, but i simply don’t know what i think. For one thing, i’ve never, ever dealt with anything like this before. So i’m naive. And i know i’m naive – which seems a bit incompatible. I’m trusting, largely because it’s never done me wrong before (even when Jake cheated on me, she always told me…so i knew i could trust her in one way, if not another, which actually did help, kind of…but that’s a whole other topic). And the fact that i completely trusted someone who, it turns out, can’t quite be trusted really bothers me because that has actually never happened to me before (i know the last parenthetical makes it sound like this isn’t the first time, but actually in the case of Jake i kind of knew what i was getting into – even if i chose to ignore it). Maybe i’m afraid of losing my naivete if i think about this too much – some friends (Momma) would say i’d be better off without i, but i think it’s a pretty quintessential part of myself.
In the same vein, i do like to think the best of people, so i’m loathe to jump to judgment. But the rest of my friends already have, and i am going to take my cues from them simply, if nothing else, because they mean more to me than A does, and because i trust them. But also, it really doesn’t matter at this point whether this is a result of A being a scheming bitch or is completely accidental (which is what i would like to think). Because, even if i’m sympathetic, i simply can’t afford the drain it puts on me to deal with it anymore.
My brother said there are certain people you meet who are having a rough time, but then you realize when you’ve know them longer that having a rough time isn’t actually a situation for them, it’s more like a personality.
“Master of Disaster” – John Hiatt