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“don’t say a word, we’ll cut across town in my thunderbird”

February 4, 2008

And then there’s girls. I’m still pretty new to this single thing, and i’m sending myself mixed signals.

I miss having a girlfriend. I miss all the sweet little things – curling up to watch a movie, a lap, a shoulder to lay my head on, kisses!, someone to hug me when i’m having a crummy day like today. I miss having someone to goof off with and talk to and someone i can count on to hang out with. I miss the sex. I miss having sex often. I miss sex with someone i know, someone i can grow and learn and play and experiment with.

I love being single. I love not worrying about anyone else’s schedule, being able to wander off and do what i please. I love having the freedom to sleep around (i’d love it more if i were better at it, but even if it doesn’t happen often ;) i love that i can just make out with that girl i think is fucking hot at the club.

And because of that i think i’ll make a terrible girlfriend until i fall for someone again. But i’m not sure, because my template for this stuff is really limited. I’ve only “dated” – as in, gone on dates and messed around with, but not been technically the girlfriend of – one person in my life. And i’ve only been “asked out” once – by my first boyfriend, in 8th grade, i said yes because i kind of panicked and didn’t know what else to do. The latter hardly counts, and the former i really didn’t take seriously, so it didn’t seem like much (though i think he felt differently, which i feel kinda bad about). With that caveat, everything i’ve done pretty much falls into two categories: just fucking (one night stand-y things), and serious(ish) relationships – the ones where i just fall for someone (more or less hard, but always sudden).

But i hear that there’s this thing people do, where they date people, like, to get to know them, and see if they like them. It all seems very adult, and, well, terrifying. Not because it’s adult, but…i’m not quite sure why. I think i’m really scared of the idea of being in a relationship that isn’t serious. I’m afraid that if i date someone i like, but haven’t really fallen for, i’ll settle for a relationship where i’m not in love. And i guess it’s fine to be in a relationship that’s just good, not great, but i don’t want to end up stuck. It takes a lot of balls to end a relationship where nothing’s wrong, you’ve just…lost interest or something (i’ve done it twice and it was awful). So maybe i just don’t want to date so i don’t ever have to break up again. And i’m afraid to date someone while i’m still kind of looking around, ’cause it seems rude

And i’m certainly still looking around. There are some specific girls.

I may elaborate later, but this is the last post today.  That was stuff i really needed to write.  Perhaps not as badly as i need to do my damn work though.  So i’m off.

Lady Brett
“Thunderbird” – John Hiatt

One Comment leave one →
  1. February 7, 2008 3:05 pm

    This is very similar to my experience (minus the 8th grade boyfriend…it was a bit later on).

    I’m always “with someone” (although I’ve only be in love with one of them), or “hooking up.”

    How the hell does one learn how to date?

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