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“my heart’s in your hand, and my mind’s between your knees”

January 25, 2008

I’m a bottom. It’s not about sex. Of course it’s about sex! But it’s not just about sex. It’s about how i interact with everyone; with the world in general. It’s that i am, very inherently, a bottom – that it runs through everything i do, and that it was the case long before i knew about the idea, or thought about sex. This is also about likes and dislikes; about comfort, not capability.

This has occurred to me before, vaguely. But i was thinking over a current situation when i thought of it in these terms. I was asked to be on (and now am on) the executive committee of one organization i’m involved with, and i’ve just been asked to be on the board of another. Which is cool, and kind of flattering, and not really, exactly surprising, because i have been one of the more active members of both groups. But. I don’t really want to be in either position. I’m already in the one, and i’ll probably accept the other, but it’s not really because i want to. When my friend asked me to be on the board, i obviously wanted to know what that involved. She laughed and said, “basically, exactly what you’re doing now.” Which is true: i already go and help out with to nearly every event they have; i’ve gone to one or two things that were board events/training things, when someone else couldn’t make it; i’ve done a fair bit of brainstorming with her about ideas, possibilities, the direction of the organization. The only real addition as far as work load would be the actual board meetings, which really isn’t a big deal. But i’m hesitating. I’m going to say yes, i know that – which is it’s own example. It’s not that i can’t say no, it’s just that i really hate to, so i have to feel awfully strongly about something to do so.

But then there is, why don’t i want to do these things, when it won’t really involve more work? Basically, i dislike being in a position of power. It’s not that i can’t do it. In fact, on the few occasions i’ve been placed there, i’ve been pretty damn good at it. I just hated it, and got the hell out as soon as i could. I really just want to be a yes-man. ‘Cause i can take orders, and i’m usually good at getting things done. I just don’t like giving orders. I even enjoy coming up with ideas, but i don’t want to be the one who turns “an idea” into “what we’re doing.” This whole situation isn’t that big of a deal, it’s just what got me thinking about this – i know this about myself now (i did learn it the hard way), and if they’d asked me to be president rather than veep of the one group, i’d have said a resounding no. But still, i hate that doing a good job gets you promoted. I’d rather be a really good worker bee, than a queen bee of any type (even a really good one).

I’m also that girl you hate. The one who says “oh, i don’t care” whenever you ask what to do, where to eat, etc. But the thing is, it’s because i really don’t care. If i fucking hate that restaurant, or really have a craving, i will tell you (i’ve gotten better, when i was a kid i was that really bad one who wouldn’t say anything even then, and then would be grumpy about it ;). But if i don’t have a strong opinion, i really would rather go wherever you want than to my favorite restaurant. Because (i think? this is kind of a new thought.) i know that i’m cool with it, but the only way i know that you are is for you to decide. I hate making decisions because i really do care more that everyone else is happy with the decision than that i am (and this is partly because i really am easy to please – as i said before, if i do feel strongly about it i’ll say so), it’s kind of a confrontation avoidance/group management thing. Plus, i’ll try anything once…more, if you’re convincing.

Similarly, i tend to mold to the people i am around. I have distinct parameters within which i play, but i’m…mutable within those parameters. So, to the extent that it is still true, i tend to mirror people, try to fit them. I guess this is another spectrum that all people fall on – how much they adjust to the company they’re in (you know, from “here i am, you can fucking deal with it” to “no, i actually don’t have a personality of my own”;).

Oh, and sex. First of all, i don’t think the top/bottom thing has to do with who fucks who, but with how it’s done – the thoughts and behaviors behind it. That’s more of a theory i have than based on my experience. I haven’t gotten to play with the dynamic that much. For me, the one-night stand thing has been a kind of meeting in the middle sort of thing. I think it has to do with not knowing each other very well, so you don’t want to assume roles, or not strong roles. That said, i always lean towards submissive, even when i’m trying to be forward – so if the other person leads at all, i’ll follow. And, well, would i fuck me? Well…i’d think i’m hot, but i’d never have the guts to go talk to me.

Lady Brett
“Breakin’ Down” – Waylon Jennings

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 29, 2008 9:36 pm

    Very interesting – thanks for sharing!

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