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“it ended bad, but i love what we started”

January 22, 2008

I don’t think i have the capacity for regret. I can’t quite wrap my head around what it even means. So, naturally, i looked in the dictionary. My dictionary (American Heritage dic*tion*ar*y 3rd edition, which i love and, in time, will love to pieces) said things like “sorry” “mourn” “dissapointment”, but then, “2. Distress about something that one wishes could be different.” So, that definition is pretty well what i would have said, had i been asked.

I sometimes think that if i don’t grasp an idea it is because i don’t have a solid, clear or correct definition of it in my head. Sometimes i’m right. But more often than not it’s because most things are more complicated than that. Using the definition as a starting point, distress i understand – it is “something that one wishes could be different” that really throws me off. I really think i’m incapable of making the leap from “what happened fucking sucked” to “i wish it hadn’t happened” or “had happened this way.” Which is not to say that i don’t say those last two things – when something bad happens, the immediate reaction is usually some form of “no!” But if i had a genie and three wishes, i’d wish for stuff and get it over with, because i don’t think anything more complicated than stuff ought to be fucked with, even if i had the magic to do so. It comes down, i think, to three things. The Pragmatist says, “magic doesn’t exist, so why don’t you just deal with your problems instead of wishing them away?” The Philosopher may not believe that everything happens for a reason, but he does believe that everything is connected. So he says “lets say there is magic, you still can’t change any one event in isolation, there’s no telling what else you would have to change.” And Little Old Me says “if i found a genie bottle i’d throw it in the ocean, because that kind of power is terrifying.”

Aside: the Philosopher came out as male by no thought of my own. The Pragmatist says that this is because i always use “he” as the generic pronoun, as is proper in english. The Feminist says this is because even i have been indoctrinated by society to think of intelligence and thoughtfulness as masculine traights. The Philosopher himself says that it’s because i was writing about facets of myself, which one would think are all female, but as i do not think of myself as a philosopher, i changed the gender to differentiate or distance myself.

Lady Brett
“Parting Gift” – Fiona Apple

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