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“will you please make up your mind what you want me to do?”

November 19, 2007

I spent most of the weekend hanging out with some friends, had a good time.  But i’ve got myself in a kind of situation – not a big deal, but a bit confusing, and something i’ll have to deal with.  Basically, there’s this girl who likes me more than i like her, or at least wants something very different than i do – but i’m pretty sure i failed to make that clear.  She’s a new friend of ours, cute, cool, the perfect gentleman (i think she’s the most gentlemanly person i’ve known).  So, it became clear to me a little bit too late that what she wants is a girlfriend.  I do not want a girlfriend any time soon.  But, since we were pretty much hanging out with a group of people the whole time, i couldn’t really say/do anything to back things up without feeling bitchy/weird.  On the other hand, we were hanging out with other people so we didn’t really do much (and i gather she’s not that sort anyway) so it’s not like it’s gone very far anyhow, so i don’t guess it’ll be a big deal.  But i’m rather uncertain about it, i just feel kind of bad and weird.  Funny, i suppose social mores would not approve – i feel pretty bad about this, but not the least guilt about my fling a week ago.

I have learned from this situation that i, perhaps, know myself better than i think.  Since me and Jake broke up, i’ve been saying (or at least thinking) that i am not looking for a relationship, i am not looking for any type of seriousness, i just want to fool around and take full advantage of being both single and comfortable with myself.  But this was mostly kind of theoretical, though i have been very happy with my life recently.  Well, the opportunity for a relationship has now presented itself, and i absolutely did mean all those things.  That is, given the option, my first reaction is “run!”  Not, like, i think that it would be agood idea not to jump into another relationship, but, like, oh, this is so not what i want.  Moreover, the person in question is, as i said, a perfect gentleman, and sweet and shy about this sort of thing.  Which is not what i am looking for (not that i’m looking).  I want fun and rowdy, not romance.  I want to drink and party and have awesome sex.

And, while we were out Saturday night, i ran into the girl i went on a date with about a month ago.  That was a really cool fluke – turns out it was only the second time either of us had been to that bar.  We exchanged “oh my god, i’ve been so busy, but we should totally hang out” excuses, which was cool.  Because, while i actually have been that busy, i also wasn’t really sure where things stood and such, so it was cool to kind of reconnect.  On a side note – it was this skeezy little bar, and after she came up to say hi, Miss kind of turns to me with “leave it to you to find the only family in this place.”  At which point i had to point out that i’d actually just run into a gay guy friend of mine, so i knew both of the family in the place.  And, you know, i’m beginning to feel like i’m from here or something – i see people i know every time i go anywhere.

Lady Brett
“Please Make Up Your Mind” – Hank Williams

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