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“I wouldn’t have to be in love with you”

September 19, 2007

And i feel like i hit that point.  That point where all i have to do is say “oh, i don’t want to be that way anymore” and it just happens.  No effort, no willpower, none of that crap.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me.  I don’t think i have just a lot of willpower, so i’m never particularly successfull at trying to change my habits, except for when i do a complete 180 without even trying.  Like when at 19 i just stopped biting my nails – after trying unsuccessfully on and off for most of my life.  Or how one day i got concerned i might be addicted to the caffeine and quit drinking dr. pepper – i went from multiple daily to not one for a month with no effort – but every other time i’ve tried it’s something i have to concentrate on.  After 6ish years of total shit, senior year of high school i started enjoying life, and it seemed a great deal like the only thing that had changed was me thinking “gee, i’d sure like to not hate the world anymore” or something.  And now, i’ve fallen out of love.  Not in that gut-wrenching, painful way people talk about (that was the still being in love part), just simply.

The reason i mention all of these is that they are all the sort of things which seem, after the fact, to have taken no effort except for a kind of interest in doing so.  But i can’t really believe that that is the case.  I feel like there must be more to it – some kind of unconcious preparation or situational change, at least.  This bothers me so much because, if it is that easy, what logically follows is a ‘blame the victim’ mentality.  That is, if all it took for me to overcome my depression, for example, was wanting to do so then it was my own dumb-ass fault that i felt terrible for not wanting to get over it before.  Well, my poor liberal heart can’t deal with blaming the victim.  My poor rational brain can’t handle the idea that it “just happened.”  I want an explanation, because then it can be replecated.

The only thing i can figure is that there is some kind of setup, some (maybe mental) situation that makes it possible.  Because if you are ready, it’s like magic.  So i guess the question is, how the hell do you get to the “ready” stage?

I don’t know.  Food for thought.  But it comes from the fact that i feel (for now, who knows) that i’m over it – over the break up.  I submit as evidence that i was listening to this song today without so much as a lump in my throat (and, more, the first song on that album, which always got me at least a little bit while we were together).  On the other hand, while i feel i haven’t used any effort to get here, i feel like i haven’t got any willpower left – all the little things i used to be disciplined about (largely, not eating out, eating well, less caffeine) have fallen to the wayside.  I haven’t decided whether i used up all my will just not having a total breakdown in the immediate aftermath and haven’t recharged, or if i’ve been using it to do the actual getting over it without even knowing i was doing so.

But, i feel on the cusp of that big sea of possibilities.  Or, maybe like i’m looking at it through a big-ass wall labeled “you have bills to pay,” but it’s a start.

Lady Brett
“If I Only Wanted To” – Melissa Etheridge

One Comment leave one →
  1. September 19, 2007 8:51 pm

    That happens to me. Something snaps for no apparent reason, and it’s not a struggle anymore… I’m sure you feel very relieved… <3

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