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“I know you’re only protecting yourself”

September 17, 2007

Thoughts on the relationship past.  That is, i’m trying to get a handle on ideas that keep passing through my head on subjects such as why it was good, why i was an idiot, what i miss (and don’t miss), what i have to look forward to, etc.  I might shirk the why it was good category a little bit, not because it wasn’t good, but because that part seems pretty obvious to me.

In the years before i actually got involved in a serious relationship, i had ideas in my head about things i would never do – largely based on observing my friends and aquaintances be morons, but also from theoretical discussions.  Things like:

-Only idiots have long distance relationships (closely related to long distance relationships never work out).  I did it for a year, and i still agree with myself on this one.  It was almost completely awful, although we were still together at the end of it.  (It’s not worth it, but the fist kiss, touch, etc. after not seeing each other for a month or two is really amazing.)

-Anyone who would put up with being cheated on is an idiot.  Maybe, but there i go again.  The worst part is that i still kind of believe my/her rationalization of it, which was the whole long distance thing.  The reason is that i’m pretty sure (but, of course, there’s no telling) i actually wouldn’t have put up with that kind of thing had we been living close (i’m also pretty sure it wouldn’t have happened).  I was leaning that way anyhow, but i think that this was really what made me needy/clingy.  It introduced a lot of self-doubt as well, because my brain still believed that first line, even while i was reacting entirely differently to it.  It was like i was watching myself, thinking “don’t do it, stupid” and then doing it anyway.

Sometimes i wonder if that worry will follow me into the next relationship i get into.  It bothers me that i may put someone into that position of paying for someone else’s mistakes (reference the title song here).

-Oh, and, what kind of moron would follow their lover somewhere?  Like i did, move to somewhere where you don’t know anyone else just to be with this person.  Well, for one thing, the stupid things compound – after a year of long-distance-shittyness it was at the i-can’t-put-up-with-this-anymore point.  Which meant either breaking up or moving to the same place.  The second prong, though, is the thought that goes “if we break up now, that year of long-distance shittyness will have been for naught.”  True, but not a good reason to stay together.  To be fair, that was not a major point in the decision.  The main point of argument was what the hell else am i gonna do? (oh, and y’know, love, lust)  But mostly, after a lot of thought and discussion the decision to move was made almost completely at random.  (It’s one of those sweet stories of youthful love-induced rashness: she drove down to visit for a weekend, said, “you could just come back with me,” i said “okay” [and “hey, mom and dad, i’m moving to — with Jake, okay?”], we packed a my important shit in her car and voila, we’d moved in together.)

A few years ago a friend was dealing with a really bad breakup, and this interesting topic, which i am now dealing with, came up.  That is, where do you go next when you and your ex discovered kinky sex together?  The problem is that you can’t discover something more than once, but it seems strange to go specifically looking for this or that type of sex.  (Also there is the issue of having to leave “firsts” behind, but that doesn’t bother me much, i don’t think.  There are a few moments i will always like to remember…mmm…, but they were in the past anyway, so it doesn’t really affect my feelings about breaking up.)

What i miss the most is probably the same thing i’ve always disliked about being single: lack of physical contact.  Not just sex (well, yes, sex, but that is a different issue entirely), but hugs and hand-holding and cuddling, and littler things – that sort of touching that is very intimate but not sexual.

Also, sex.  But especially that sort of off-the-cuff sex.  The “we’re doing something completely ordinary, but i just can’t resist you anymore” sex.  Because it’s not like i can’t have sex now, but it doesn’t just “happen” anymore (nor is it as frequent or amazing).  But that’s something i feel i can’t complain about too much.  It always kind of freaked me out that i was in a long-term relationship without having ever really been single.  By really i mean single and looking, or wanting to have fun (or, for that matter, out).  So, here it is.

In some ways, i lost myself in her and us.  I don’t think that’s as bad as it sounds, but i can’t think of another way to say it.  In fact, maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen when you fall in love.  I am malleable, and i tend to adjust myself to the people i am interacting with, usually without noticing.  Now that i write it down, that sounds kind of bad too.  But, honestly, it’s one of the things i like most about myself.  Anyway, that’s kind of off topic, maybe later.  The point is that since we meshed well anyway, i think it was easy for me to slide into being Jake’s girlfriend instead of myself.  Which isn’t to say that i wasn’t true to myself or anything drastic like that.  I didn’t mind, and i don’t think i mind now that it was the case.

I think there was more, but my brain just jumped track (as you might could tell by that last paragraph).

Lady Brett
“An Innocent Man” – Billy Joel

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 17, 2007 6:08 pm

    i agree with most of what you’ve said here. especially the end bit. it’s hard to find a balance between sharing a life with another person and maintaining your own… i guess that’s the big lesson in all of this.

  2. September 17, 2007 8:26 pm

    “Because he did not look up to ask if it pleased he did it all for himself inside, and it strengthened him, and yet he did it for her, too. But he did not do it for her at any loss to himself.” – The Sun Also Rises
    just read that bit, perhaps that’s the idea.
    and ‘most’ of course leaves me curious.

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