“Shine it’s ever lovin’ light on me”
First, we kicked ass. Second, i have got the bug – that was so fucking much fun!
Let’s talk logistics – turning into a guy. The clothing is pretty obvious and easy (once you’ve got it). The important parts are taping and hair (and attitude, but that’s a different issue, really). Fortunately for mei’m fairly small-chested. Unfortunately for me, i’m not quite small enough to get by without taping. Basically, you pull your breasts out to the side – to your underarms – and tape from one around the back to the other. It’s not nice, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. Oddly enough, the part that was most irritated while it was on was the middle of my chest – the only part without any tape. Because it’s all stretched out, so it hurts a little bit (and it itched too). That part actually feels a little bruisey today. As she was taping me, Boss (we’ll call her) said it’s not that hard to get off ’cause you’ll be all sweaty by the end of the night, but be careful (obviously). Fucking liar. I was in the shower and i had a hell of a time getting it off. So, that hurt, but i was really careful and it’s fine today (if you are not careful it can take skin with it), except for the sticky residue outlining where the tape was…that is just going to come off in its own sweet time, i guess. So that’s my first impression of taping. Oh, but it fucking works, with a little work you can go out there in a beater and look like you’ve got pecs instead of tits.
Hair. Head hair, i’ve got lots of so i basically just put it in a low ponytail. To make it look less girly i had to slick it back – cut the frizz out. I’ve never used hairspray before; i had a fucking helmet on. I also had a hat on most of the time.Faicial hair is the biggest part, though. Most girls will just look like girls in boys clothes without some kind of beard. Spirit gum, chopped upextentions , black eyeshadow. The spirit gum and fake hair give you the hairy part (clearly), a goatee in my case. The eyeshadow fills in the spaces in the fake hair and can provide a 5-o’clock shadow look, which also defines your jawline. You can use the eyeshadow to fill in or darken/extend your real hair too (eyebrows, sideburns, hairline). The hair ain’t that bad. But the spirit gum stinks, and the hair getseverywhere – it’s like sand. Especially in your nose and mouth ’cause it’s right there. But it also hides and just sticks around. With soap and water getting it off isn’t bad. Without soap and water it pulls all your little face peach-fuzz hairs (but not out, i noticed) and hurts a lot.
Attitude. Well, really, that just happens when you’re in a costume. On the one hand it gives you something to hide behind while you make a fool. But also, once you’ve got a beard, you just kind of start feeling it. I mean, you really do feel different ’cause you’re taped and you’re wearing someoneelse’s clothes and you have glue on your face, so it’s like it tells you something is up – it’s your cue. As for actions, we had a guy hanging out with us as we got ready, who gave me a few gooddo’s and dont’s.
Oh, and i gotta brag. Before all this dress-up, we were looking at the pictures Boss took of me when we first dressed me up. And the straight girl goes “oh my god” in that way that makes it sound a lot like “i’d fuck him.” So i guess we did a good job.
But the show. That’s what you wanted to hear. I was nervous as hell before i ever left home, but it actually faded as the show approached, mostly. I had two whiskey and cokes before i had to get on stage, which helped. By helped i mean were how i actually did it. This was the first show for two of the five of us. She also had two drinks beforehand. We were just hanging out (in character) before the show, which was a lot of fun, and gives you a chance to get the hang of it and meet the crowd. Our group bit went off perfectly. The audience was pretty small, but they were totally into it and tipped well, so it was really cool. I was deadly nervous before and between my numbers – hands shaking and everything – but actually being on stage i was completely fine. I’ve always been (on the rare occasions) pretty capable of getting over, or more often just working through, my nerves once i actually have to do something, but this was even better, like they just left. I think the fact that it was musical really helped. I connect with music, and i could sing (along with) those two songs in my sleep, so it was just like “okay, music, this is cool” and i was fine. And then when i’d finish i’d head backstage and my hands would be shaking again. When the whole thing was over and we were all backstage, i think the first thing three or four of us said was “i need a drink.” We had one (and a few more) and hobnobbed for a while.
The audience also liked it (which is kind of a little important). I had a gay man ask if he could squeeze my ass and tell me he would want to take me home (if i were a real boy ;). I also had an audience member spank my ass with a riding crop (this was part of the show that i was not informed of beforehand)…but it’s cool by me *g*. Hanging out after the show was just a little bit strange. Because i had little to no problem having guy-attitude walking and talking and sitting around with folks, and especially the other kings and our posse. But then we were dancing, and i danced with a drag queen and a straight girl (and, of course, a lot of general goofing around as well), but it was odd being the “guy”. Same with the cute butch i was talking to. It’s a bit confusing when i want to be flirting with her, but i’ve got a beard on and i’m trying to keep at least kind of in character.
So, overall? A fucking blast. Again in a month, and i have to figure out what songs i’m gonna do at that one. This time, by the way, was Hank III’s version of “Cocaine Blues” and Jimmie Dale Gilmore “Pick Me Up on Your Way Down.”
“Midnight Special” – Creedence Clearwater Revival