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“It’s awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it’s another thing”

August 23, 2007

My state of ‘okay with this’ keeps crashing, and i don’t like it.  The ‘feel like shit/crazy’ state doesn’t generally last that long, but i am so very not used to this roller coaster thing.  Really, my emotional state has always tended to be very steady, even when it was terrible.  There is something kind of rediculously comforting about that kind of consistency – you get to the point (though the thought of being that down again strikes fear in me now) where part of you actually likes feeling awful simply because it is familiar.  Then there was most of college, which was fairly consistently awesome.  That’s kind of unrelated, but the point is that until i fell in love i didn’t deal with a lot in the way of ups and downs, and until this i at least had a good idea what triggered those switches.  So…i do not like not being able to control my emotions – or, especially, my body and my expression of them.

I’m really not a straight-liquor drinker, but it’s amazing what a shot of whiskey will do to bring you back down to earth.

Jake has also really been helpfull, actually.  She gave me a hug the other night and told me that she knows this has been a lot harder for me, which was sweet.

(On the other hand, the fact that that is true has been more difficult to deal with.  Partly because i’m jealous; i want to be happier now too.  And also, though it wasn’t actually a surprise to me, well, it’s kind of like this bit:  “Frances took him on the rebound from his discovery that he had not been everything to his first wife.” (the sun also rises))

Last night she helped me out of my kind of panicky shaking thing (what the fuck was that, anyway?  Like, how the hell can i just not be able to stop my body from trembling?).  As i was going to sleep (head on her shoulder), i was mulling over the situation we’re in.  Namely that this doesn’t look like a good way to get over it (to be fair, the cuddling really was an exception).  The thing is, though, that i feel like i am, if not over it, then done with it.  I don’t want to get back together, she doesn’t really turn me on anymore, part of me at least is excited about being single (the prospects around here aren’t that great, though;), but clearly there is more to it than that.  So, the flip side is that i’m not convinced that us staying close is doing me any harm.  But also, i can’t imagine living alone right now, in my rocky state.  I feel like i really need someone around to help me out (even just a little bit, just sometimes), and i don’t know a single other person who (i) would (let) do that.

If what i’ve written is actually true – debatable…self-diagnosis and all – then maybe the problem isn’t actually the break up and love part.  I think i’m going through withdrawl trying to recover from girlfriend-addiction.

Lady Brett
The Sun Also RisesEarnest Hemingway

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2007 4:45 pm

    It’s a rough time no doubt. Don’t worry about the ups and downs, it can be a really creative space…and is only a tribute to the depth of the feelings experienced in your relationship. Good post :)

  2. August 25, 2007 9:58 am

    I don’t envy you this situation … very very tricky. it sounds like you’re in a good space with it, though. breakups are so, so much work, you know? your whole life turns upside down. no way through it but through, I guess.

    :( take good care of yourself m’dear.

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