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“Freedom’s rough”

August 20, 2007

Well, now i know what i look like as a boy.  That is, we played dress-up with faicial hair and all that jazz on saturday.  And with my new boots!  Did i say i have new boots.  I love them and they are very pretty.


oh, yes, someone wanted pictures.  these are my awesome boots.  but this is not drag-me in them.

Now i have to learn how to dance in them, heh.  Anyway, i felt really silly with a beard, but i think it worked pretty well (that’s going to be my downfall in trying to play a guy…i laugh, or at least smile, at fucking everything).  And we had practice – i think our show’s going to be good.  It’s like a week away and i’m already all nervous about it.  The weekend was okay, alltogether.  I went out Saturday to play pool with myself, and did my housewife thing the rest of the weekend – cooking and cleaning, buying fabric.  I love housewifery – i hadn’t cooked a proper meal in two weeks; it was nice (but hot!) to putz around the kitchen.

Slowly, the people we know are finding out we’re not together.  It’s strange.  Partly because just telling people is rather out of character for me.  I don’t really talk about my personal life much, just because i feel odd mentioning things that dont just come up in conversation.  And, well, when the hell does it “come up” that we, who everyone thought were prosthetically attached, and going to be together forever…aren’t.  So i feel real strange having to throw that out there when folks talk about “us”.  Partly, also, because almost everyone i know had a fucked up break-up/relationship recently.  I feel like they either think it’s way more serious than it is (which isn’t to say i don’t want their sympathy, but i’m not angry or broken), or are really confused by us still being cool and…living together (because that is kind of weird).  The woman i was talking to this morning – who i really admire, and am kind of friends with – got it though.  I told her me and Jake were still living together and she was like “Money, huh?  I’ve been there.”  Which is, i think, pretty true, but more importantly totally non-judgemental.  We had a good talk, i’m pleased about it.

I’ve also realized that i’ve no idea how to be single.  For one thing, it’s been 3 1/2 years.  But, really, i hadn’t figured it out before that, because before i was totally unsure how i felt about dating (and sex, and other related things).  Could be related to not being out before i was taken, eh?

When we got the cat and dog, it was sort of just clear that Dog was mine and Cat hers.  We always used to joke that i got the dog because he’s so cute, and while she would have no problem picking up, i would never have the balls, so i’d need him to pick up chicks for me.  I dunno, though, dogs are pretty serious – the last thing i want is a relationship.

I also haven’t quite figured out whether i’m actually kind of okay with this or it just hasn’t sunk in yet.  I think it’s the former.  But i feel a little bit…scarred.  Like i’ve lost the capacity for certain levels of emotion.  Like hearing an explosion and losing your ability to hear high pitched noises.

Lady Brett
“Proud” – Tegan and Sara

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 20, 2007 3:38 pm

    i think it takes a while to get used to being single again. seriously, i still wake up a few times a week and think, oh wow this is my apartment and i’m alone in my bed. in a good “i can stretch out and kick the covers off and own this joint” good kinda way, of course!

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