“But i still sit here and think about the things we used to do”

My brain is putty and i feel sick…but i think what happened is a good thing. Well, i don’t entirely know what i think (or what happened, which may be why). And i guess that eloquent introduction will serve to excuse the rest of this if it doesn’t make any sense.

So, me and Jake had a long, long talk last night. The dog got a fantastic walk out of it. And i think we’re broken up. But there’s no telling for certain immediately, i don’t think. I feel like it’s like the beginning of a relationship, where there is that period of uncertainty; are we dating, just making out, etc. Or, that’s how all of my relationships have started. I’ve never been on a “date” or been asked out (well, not since 8th grade), they just sort of happened. But i didn’t think anyone’s relationships ended that way. Okay, that’s not really here nor there…it just popped into my head.

After much silence and waffling, i figured this out and got up the nerve to say it:
1- I’m crazy about her
2- She’s my best (and only close, local) friend.
3- I don’t think i can take care of myself alone (corollary: neither of us have enough money to live alone and enjoy it much)
4- I’m not sure we can make this (us, relationship) work.

Other things that came up: We’ve both changed (we’ve been together 3 1/2 years (1 year long distance), during which we graduated college and moved out on our own, got jobs, etc). Including (perhaps most importantly…in my mind, anyway) that i have, if possible, less direction than ever, and she has plans and a job/carrer she really likes. We live together well. Neither of us are very happy together, right now (along with a few reasons why).

So…with a few other ideas batted about, the plan (i think) that we ended on is to try to live together and not be together. I tried so hard (and successfully, which may be a first) to be reasonable and relatively unemotional about it. I cried a little, but i didn’t weep, or break down, just some tears here and there. We went home and watched The Celluloid Closet, and didn’t snuggle. It’s really not that sort of movie anyhow…but, really, it was nice, mellow and seemed like maybe a good start.

And then we went to bed, sort of on opposite sides, and i broke apart completely. I hadn’t even seen it coming, but i laid down and i wanted her arms around me, and it just tore me up. I was fairly quiet, but i was just bawling, and every time i started to get myself together this image of her arms around me – right around the bottom of my ribcage – would run back into my head and ruin it. Eventually she sat up, and i don’t remember what we said…it was awkward. She held me, which kind of made it worse, but helped. She held me while we went to sleep. This morning was okay…fairly normal, but detatched, hands-off. And she’s off for the rest of the weekend (pre-planned trip).

So. I think that she’s right. That is, we’re good friends, and good roommates, but the relationship isn’t working. The only thing is that i don’t know if i can handle it. I’ve never put this much effort into…myself.

I think it’s a good idea, and god knows i don’t want to lose her friendship (i can’t even think about that), but sometimes just looking at her makes me melt inside, and i’ve got no wilpower around her (this was before all this, i don’t know how or if it might change). My mind is fighting this battle with the rest of me now. The rest of me is, i guess, the part that is making me sick, loopy, not hungry…and i’m spending most of my energy trying not to cry.

Lady Brett
“Things You Do to Me” – Hank III
This isn’t the music i should be listening to, you say?