“I’m just a baby in this business of love”
I had my heart broken yesterday. Chalk up some life experience, i suppose. I’m better today, even if i still feel like crying.
I don’t even know where to begin with this, or how to talk about it. We had a major fight Sunday. (I don’t really think fight is the right word for what we do, which is not talk to one another, but it’s all i can think of.) It started over something tiny, stupid, but i had this sense of impending doom, like this was it. I desperately want to say something, reach out, in these situations, but i can’t think of a damn thing, and it’s just as well because it only makes her mad. She was crying. She does cry, but she never cries first. She said “I’m sorry I snap at you. It’s because I’m unhappy.” I nodded…what else can you do?
We went home so we could talk – we had been walking somewhere. The walk home was filled with very logistic thoughts on breaking up; how to pay rent alone, we would have to sort out the books, all the furniture is hers, who would get the liquor?
She said “when I’m with you, I try to think of anything else I could be doing,” and something about how she liked her work more than me, or maybe just that she couldn’t get her work done with me around – she was mumbling, i’m not sure. It sounded a lot like leaving me to me. I was almost expecting it; i thought i was prepared. It hit me harder than i ever imagined. I can’t recall ever feeling so terrible. I was crying, of course (we were both crying), and i had a terrible headache, but i have no idea how to explain what felt so terrible. I felt kind of paralyzed and my brain didn’t work right – it just kept circling the logistics. Sometime later, she said “I think I need to move out.” And i said “Okay,” because what else can you do? You can’t tell someone not to leave you.
Then she suggested that maybe we weren’t breaking up. She said she needed her own space, but maybe we could live apart and stay together if i wanted to. I said i don’t know. I was agog, and my brain was wholly unprepared for all of this. She asked me something else, or maybe a few things, but i don’t remember what. I just told her i don’t know.
We had been sitting apart on the couch, but now she gathered me up. I was afraid she had changed her mind because she didn’t want me to be so hurt, which would just put this shit off, but it felt so nice to be held. And in conversation later in the day, i think she had changed her mind because she didn’t want her to be so hurt. I don’t think either of us thought it would hurt so much. She invited me to take a nap, which was what i needed. We slept facing each other, hugging, fully clothed.
The rest of the day was okay. I felt like crying all day, but not so badly. We’re looking to move to a two bedroom apartment, so she’ll have her own private space. We haven’t discussed more than that, but i think we will. I made pork chops for dinner. I must have been in high school the last time i had pork, but she really wanted meat for dinner, so we drove out to Wild Oats to get some slightly-less-environmentally-hideous meat (and a few other things while we were there). And i fried them up with pineapple and onion and sage. They were, i must admit, fantastic. We went to watch Casablanca on the big screen in the park. I love that movie.
“This Business of Love” – ??