“God gave me that girl to lean on”
Things are going well with Jake. They were going well before too, but there have been some changes, and a revival. We have been having these long discussions like we used to; the kind that rove through topics and ideas and questions, where you can’t quite remember how it started at the end. I suppose after a while it begins to feel like you’ve pretty much talked about everything together, so you move on to just living together. Not to disparage living together, because doing so well is sweet and close and requires your relationship to grow in very different directions than perhaps it has before, but it is like we are becoming friends again, rather than only lovers and roommates and buddies.
Other things have changed, too. I think we are (like tectonic plates) moving towards a better understanding of each other and resolution of our previously untouchable issues. Those being, simply, that i am needy and emotional and she is solitary and bitchy and neither of us is much inclined to talk about it. These are not either of our only, or even major, traits, but they are the ones that collide.
The scenario goes something like this, with embellishments for context: She has lots of work, or has been slacking off and is now catching up, and is busy (or just wants to be left alone). I am not busy, having done my work at work, or just not having much to do, and want to do something together (or am feeling blue and need support). I get grumpy, or try to distract her. She gets mad and says something mean. I get upset. We stew.
It is still mostly the case, but things are slowly improving. Saturday, well, Saturday we had amazing sex all over the apartment (including using our new bar stools, which are just the right height). It was amazing, but i think i said that already. Especially since it had been nearly two weeks – which is a rediculously long time if you’re not in a long-distance relationship. (i swear this is related, i’m not just bragging.) Sometimes i take a long time to recover from sex; to really get my brain back.
So, afterward, she was playing her stupid video game, and then studying. I was online for a bit, but i still felt strange, so i went to sit on the floor by her and leaned my head on her lap while she was studying. I don’t remember the exact sequence of events, but i think she thought i was trying to wrest her away from her work, and anyhow there was a little spat of grumpyness. But somehow we managed to clarify that i wasn’t trying to interrupt her (though i did, because of this misunderstanding) i just wanted to be close becasue i still felt vulnerable. Things were pretty much smoothed over after that, which isn’t quite like stopping it, but it’s a big communication breakthrough for us.
Also, she has begun, within perhaps the last month, to ask sometimes “do you want to talk about it?” when i am blue. This perhaps sounds obvious, or silly, but it is profoundly sweet of her, and new to us. And i still don’t have the guts to say yes, nor know what i would say, but…it makes me a bit happier to hear even so.
“Guess Things Happen That Way” – Raul Malo