But i am taking a long weekend off to go to Creating Change!  Happy last day of the workweek to me.  I don’t foresee it being restful or vacationlike, but it seems likely to be brilliant and amazing, which i suppose will do.

So?  Are you going? Anyone?

Okay, back to it for a few hours.  Oh yeah, and i still have to pack.  On the bright side, my lovely pool boy has been doing laundry, so i should have some clothes to pack.

-lady brett

"Ugly Truth" - Lucinda Williams

Petitioner wishes to change his/her last name because _____________________________________

Which i desperately want to fill out as follows:

Petitioner wishes to change his/her last name because she got gay married.

There is a slight problem, in that name changes in our location are completely up to the discretion of the judge.  There are exactly no rules as to what they can or cannot approve.  And you have to pay the $140 whether you get a new name out of it or not.  So i believe we will be filling it out as such:

Petitioner wishes to change his/her last name because we want a family name.

Simple, non-specific, true.  And on paper Jamie and i look very straight.

What’s more; the judge that i think this will go through would totally go for “got gay married” – but i don’t want to screw this up if it goes to someone else.

Lady Brett

"I Want To Sing That Rock And Roll" - Gillian Welch

“By Appointment to
His Majesty
The King of Sweden”

I do not know its origins.  It pleases me.   My previous favorite, and current backup mug at work has this:

At home, my prefferred mugs include:

exactly like this.

like this, but mine is prettier. leads to lots of jokes about wife #2. doubly amusing because it was a gift from Jake.

Lady Brett

"How Bad's The Coffee" - John Hiatt

Behold pretty bike:

Pretty bike is going home with Jamie as we speak.  For her birthday, except that she bought it for herself and it isn’t her birthday yet.  But all that will be rectified, and it is, in fact, her birthday present from me.  Unless i steal it.  Which i might because of its extreme prettiness.  And i’ve only seen it in pictures!

Lady Brett

Alice in Wonderland

From alphafemme: “I vote for a wedding post! Who came, how were you supported/not by various family/friends… and pictures!!!”

Someday i will get to the pictures part.  Not today; i am sorry.  (And under password, but that is not truly to keep you out; you have only to ask.)

So many people came!  More than anything else, the people who were there and the love that encompassed was the defining feature of the wedding for me.  Getting married was the point, and that was quite nice, but it was a bit hard to focus on over the vast, insurmountable joy.  Honestly, my biggest fear going into the wedding and marriage was that i was going to cry during the ceremony.  It seemed reasonable, considering the number of times i cried while we concocted the ceremony.  And that crying in front of people is my primary personal taboo. Ha.  I was so bursting with joy it was impossible to think of anything else.  Every time i looked around i saw someone else; people who made my heart sing (and always have), and people whose presence there made my heart sing.

Specifically, my (immediate) family was there, as was Jamie’s (and some small part of her larger family).  Two of my favorite people in the world, and other friends from college, who i do not keep in the best touch with.  Co-workers.  The boys, one of whom is in every photo taken that day.  Friends.  And strangers – it was in a public park; there was a couple, girls, who sat down in the back corner for the whole thing; there were some kids that i didn’t realize were there, but who were caught on camera behind us; there was a couple who caught us leaving and congratulated us and wanted a photo with us.

Supported.  So much.  It is amazing to me, especially considering that i am not an asking for help kind of person.  I mean, i think i am fine at accepting help, and i don’t think i am terribly independent – but that is entirely different.  I still feel like i don’t entirely know where the wedding came from; it is like it appeared from half-formed (both physically and conceptually).  My dear friend Athena came in a couple of days early, demanded to know what needed to be done, and promptly sewed most of the decor.  My family (i think) mostly set up the reception space.  The balloons came from all our dear teenagers (as you know, the best source for quantities or air).  I am not entirely sure who set up the ceremony (i just learned that the Older Boy helped with that part – i suppose he forgave us for not making him best man).

Not supported.  Honestly, very little.  There were family who did not come.  But that was a given.  What was not a given was that every one of Jamie’s family who did not attend (and one of my two disapproving relatives) sent a sweet note with their declination, and most of them a gift.  Jamie’s grandmother may have told her mother that she couldn’t come because she felt it would be supporting our lifestyle, but she did not tell us that.  She sent a card saying she couldn’t make it and hoped that Jamie were happy.  And she sent me a birthday gift following.

Ultimately, the amount of support was amazing; one of the primary highlights of the wedding.  Admittedly, i excluded an entire side of my family from the whole thing, but i think the degree to which the responses were positive was amazing.  And that includes all of the people who do not fall into the category of family or friends.  People who saw us the day of, vendors that we talked to (granted, we generally led with “gay wedding!”, so some may have strategically ignored us), random people we talked to in shops, people were overwhelmingly excited because “wedding!”  I think we had been so thoroughly prepped to have to fight our way through the whole process that that was extra pleasant.

Lady Brett

"Peggy" - Clandestine

I love this.  It does not make me think of anyone in particular. It does make me very happy.

-Lady Brett

What is one early memory that makes you nod your head and say, “Yep. I was born this way?” Tell us about your root.

I realize this is a fun and silly question which i ought to respond to with tales of my childhood as a boy (although how that relates to being a grownup queer femme, i haven’t a clue), or my 3rd-grade crush on Paula Abdul.

But, honestly, i’m kind of pissed off about the related movement in queer activism.

I always joke when it comes up that i wasn’t born this way; i chose to be queer ’cause it’s more fun.  It is only sort of a joke.  It is kind of true in the same way that i don’t really feel that i have a coming out story, because i never felt closeted.  It just kind of hadn’t occurred to me.

It is also not exactly a joke because i genuinely don’t want to be associated with the “born this way” activist trend.  Mind, i am not saying that you weren’t born gay.  I’m not even saying i wasn’t born queer (maybe i was, in that shades of grey and lack of definition are an inherent part of me).  I’m not saying anything at all about your personal self-definition.  I’m just saying that it is politically heinous.

Emphasizing that being gay is okay because it is an in-born trait implies that it is only okay because it is in-born, or genetic, or somehow we can’t help ourselves.

Politically, it is shooting ourselves in the foot for short-term gain. Sure, most folks who don’t approve of the gay are more open to accepting the helplessness argument, but using that argument capitulates to the anti-gay logic.  You have to accept us for who we are, which – yes – would be nice, and – yes – will probably happen faster this way.  But you don’t need to change anything else.  You can still feel sorry for us for being born the wrong way.  You can still think that being gay is awful, and you can still think that we think so too.  After all, we can’t help that we were born this way; if we could, clearly we would all choose to be straight.

Which brings us to my main issue: the “born this way” movement is dramatically anti-choice.  It says that you can’t morally police me, because this trait is inherent.  It implies that you are still perfectly fine to morally police folks who do choose to do things you don’t approve of.  And it wrongfully implies that this is not about choices.  As far as i am concerned, that is the opposite of what being a queer activist is about.  The whole point, in my mind, is that i can choose to do anything i damn well please, so long as i am not hurting anyone.

In this particular context, my argument is the same as those that will be leveled against us.  But the fact is, what they say is true, though i disagree with their conclusions.  That is: it doesn’t matter how you were born; you make choices about how you live.

And if you are happy with the choices you’ve made, you should defend them, rather than hiding from them.  As the anti-gay fringe claims, you can be gay as you like and choose “not to act on it.” But the folks i know who tried that lived really miserable not-gay (or fake-straight) lives, and at some point chose to live happier gay lives instead.  That is a choice.  And it is a choice we should all be able to defend for the valid, healthy and strong choice it is, rather than pretending that it simply couldn’t be helped.

Lady Brett

"Born This Way" - Lady Gaga
(full disclosure: i had to look this up to get a lyric...
i've heard a lot of talk, but i've not heard the song before now.)

As i was preparing to ignore it, i noticed a comment,

Evangelical Aunt You are right on!

Truth be told, it made me a bit misty-eyed.  I kind of hate that image, but it’s totally worth it to see that response.  This is my aunt who wouldn’t discuss our wedding with my mother at the time (of course, there are a lot of things they don’t discuss, although they are very close).  Which was really okay with me – it’s not like she was rude about it (or has ever been rude in her life) – they even sent a lovely card and a gift.  But the difference between that and the comment above is not insubstantial, and it is rather heart-lifting.

*With regards to the image above, they are not friends of mine (or, most likely, yours), and their actions do not affect me, and as such it is not my business.  Not my business to care what they do with their life, and not my business to be mean to strangers about their actions.  And not my business to support the businesses that do make money off of caring about and being mean to celebrities. I’d rather have ignored the whole thing, but i had to share the rest.

Lady Brett

"Get Right With God" - Lucinda Williams

Lady Brett

Mind, i still think it is nonsense. I still believe that no one should be allowed legal marriage. Legally speaking, there’s no reason they shouldn’t all be civil unions – and there’s no reason i shouldn’t be able to civil union my godmother, brother, best friend or wife, as it ought to be strictly a legal statement of shared responsibility regarding certain things like property.  (And, of course, there are way more important civil rights issues – even gay rights issues – than marriage equality.  But that’s not really a reason not to work on it.)

That said, we are now trying to figure out how to get our own versions of those legal statements, and it has changed my view a bit.  I still don’t view marriage as a civil right.  But restricting me from legal marriage does amount to a fine.

Were we straight and married, for $25 we could have the vast majority of the legal protections we would like (plus throw in a free name change – but only for the woman changing her last name to his).  Not true for everyone, but we are fairly simple and traditional, and it would certainly work for us.

Instead, we will need: 2 name changes, 2 wills, medical powers of attorney, financial powers of attorney, and to add her name to the house deed.  Off the top of my head – i have a list somewhere.  I intend to keep track of the particular costs as we go along – and the time investment, if possible. Right now all i know is that the name changes will be approximately $300, adding her name to the house deed qualifies as a taxable “gift” of half the worth of the house (but the mortgage is still mine, which could be problematic, since she would not be responsible for my debt), and most of the rest will require a lawyer.

Much of that is liable to apply if you are single (i’ve about hit an age where – relationship or no – i don’t want to saddle my parents with all this).  You may well want some of that if you are married.  Nevermind the various forms of non-married relationships.

I’m not terribly keen on getting legally married, but i’m not much liking the idea of being fined for being anything other than straight-and-married.

Oh well.  We’re buying each other new names for christmas. I’m kind of excited about that.

-Lady Brett

"Copied Keys" - Kathleen Edwards